Unshakable

Here's something new. I'm so scared, I feel sick. It's currently 12:30. I've been up since 9 and I haven't been able to bring myself to start packing. I may not post this until much later tonight. But it's currently helping my procrastination.

On Wednesday, I was in lab and I was going over the information for LSU. Looking up where I'm staying, making a check-list of what to pack. I looked over the list of the other students participating and I started adding them as my friends on Facebook. I emailed my mentor about research. I was trying to be proactive about it, when all of a sudden I started feeling very sick and lump grew in my throught. I couldn't just start crying right there so I stopped thinking about it and went on with my day.

Last week when I went to see Mr. Mason, I was talking to him about being disappointed in not being able to go to South Carolina. I started telling him about all the reasons I wanted to go and he helped me realize that the biggest reason was to get away from here. He said that it should be more important to me to be going somewhere than to be running away. And I couldn't agree more.

Half way through my sophomore year in high school I had decided to run. To math and science school, lol. I didn't want to be here and I thought life would be so much easier if I moved away. If I could run away from this. Obviously, those were not the best of intentions. I've never regretted the fact that I came back, I'd say I was better off, but I never really thought about it not being God's will for me to run until this recent conversation.

I hope you know how much and how hard I've been praying for this summer. I fully believe in the intentions God has for me either being there, or coming back early, but I'm starting to feel sick at the thought of leaving. Why? Several reasons, to be quite honest. I'm not sure why I didn't think of any of this before, but maybe this is Satan's way to twist my heart and thoughts so that they're not pleasing anymore. Who knows.

This may shock you, but I'm scared to leave my mom. It's not that I don't think I'll manage to be alright with out her, I'm scared that she'll need me and I won't be 10 minutes away anymore. What if something happens and I'm not here to help her or take care of her if she needs me? Granted, I live down the street and I don't come home often, but I know that if something happened to her I'd be close enough to be able to. When I'm 9 1/2 hours away it won't be easy for me to just drive back.

This may shock you, but I'm scared I won't make any friends. I've been told several times not to worry about that. But I can't help it. As much as I like being alone, I hate feeling unwanted. Feeling like an outcast. Not being well liked. I'm scared that I'll do anything to get the approval of my peers. Where will that leave me with God?

INTERMISSION: it's now 11:22...I managed to finish packing and have dinner and a movie with my favorite people :) Where was I?

Right, fear. This may shock you, but I'm 90% deffenseless. Baton Rouge isn't the safest of places. Granted, I don't plan on being in the wrong place at the wrong time, but who does?

The last reason, and the biggest reason, is that I'm afraid for my faith. I'm afraid that I'm not ready for what's about to happen. I'm scared that I won't adapt the culture. I'm scared that my bad habits or qualities will be pronounced when I'm in an environment that I'm not familiar with. I hope that I do trust in God and let Him guide me, but I'm scared that I won't. I'm scared that I'll be so consumed in myself and my hair, and the heat and not having friends that I'll miss my purpose for being there.

I'm so scared, and I know that there's only one way out of this fear and that's to hand it all over. I was blessed with incredible friends to keep me busy tonight and as soon as I finish up my blog, I'll go to bed.

I visited Regan ealier this week and he reminded me of having on the full armor of God. I've heard life refered to a war. That there's a constant battle between God and Satan for our souls. It makes sense that I would need armor to protect me. To help me be bulletproof. Regan described it by reminding me of the Mighty Ducks movie, when the goalie was scared, but good ole Emillio suits him up, ties him to a pole, and just starts hitting him with the pucks! Was he fine? Yeah. Was he scared anymore? Nope. Romans 8:31 "...If God is for us, who can be against us?" His encouragement continued when he suggested I look at 2 Timothy 1:7 that says "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."

Like I said, there's only one way out of these horrible feelings, so here goes everything else I could find:

"The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light." Romans 13:12

"Prepare your shields, both large and small, and march out for battle! Harness the horses, mount the steeds! Take you positions with helmets on! Polish your spears, put on your armor!" Jeremiah 46:3-4

"Make plans by seeking; if you wage war, obtain guidance." Proverbs 20:18

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faight, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for the saints." Ephesians 6:10-18

The other day I was reading in Matthew and I'm glad I did, because I was reminded of another important instance.

"As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, e saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. 'Come, follow me,' Jesus said, 'and I will make you fishers of me.' At once they left their nets and followed him. Going on from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets. Jesus called them, and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him." Matthew 4:18-22

I'm not saying I'm being called to be a disciple of Jesus or anything, but I do want to fulfill whatever purpose God does have for me. Peter and Andrew weren't with their parents, and it doesn't say that they stopped by their house to let them know. At 'ONCE' they left...no hesitation. And James and John were with their father, but Zebedee wasn't going with them. James and John didn't ask to bring him along or question Jesus about what would happen to their father, they just left. IMMEDIATELY. On several instances the diciples were persecuted for the things they would preach, but they didn't stop. Maybe life isn't about being completely fearless, it's about the things that help us day to day to overcome those fears for a higher purpose.

One of my favorite Green Valley songs comes straight from verses in Isaiah 43:1-5 and it's God saying "...Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior...Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exhange for you and people in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you..." I don't know how you read that, but I hear it as a promise. I'm in the process of learning to trust God as a Father and in that, I can imagine my dad holding me when I was afraid. I can hear him whisper in my ear and promise that he'll never leave me. As much as I'd trust that, I know that I can trust God the Father, that much more. "...Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:4. It was so important, He mentioned it twice :))

In just 5 short hours I'll be going on a new adventure. Another chapter in my life. Am I completely unafraid now? No, but I trust that God will be with me the entire time. I'm going to be a little selfish now and ask you to pray for me while I'm gone. Pray for whatever you feel I might need, but keep me in your thoughts please. My prayer is that although I may not have on the FULL armor of God right now, it'll all be there when it counts. That I be strong but dependent on God while I'm away from everything I know. That I never lose sight of my one main goal. And finally, for God's will to continue to be done.

In return? Well for my friends that I know are leaving or have left or are away from their families or that are struggling, be rest assured that you're on my mind and in my prayers. I may not know who you are, but God does. I also promise to keep you updated on my journey :))

"Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should." Ephesians 6:19-20

Bonne nuit. Merci. Je t'aime et tu vas me manquer! Rendez-vous dans un mois!!
Goodnight. Thank you. I love you and I'll miss you! See you in a month!!