Sunday, November 14, 2010


So, I don't know who else to talk to. Luckily for me, there's always you. And also luckily, typing doesn't require me to choke out words.

I have been SO excited about next year. I've been so thankful and still am. I consider myself very blessed, because like I said, I know that I don't deserve any of it and I know I couldn't have pulled it off on my own. There has just been one snag in my plan. My mom.

I've had my car this past week so I needed to take it home. I also intended on telling her the good news. As I started to drive into Farmington, I began thinking of how I would tell her. How to approach the entire situation. My reaction? I started to cry almost immediately. Before I ever even got to my street, I was terrified so I prayed that God would just make it ok.

Horrible is understatement for the way I left my house tonight. I finally stopped crying long enough to tell her I had something to tell her, and although apathy was what I was expecting, it was still more than I could handle. I tried my best to stay calm, but that's never the go to response for either of us. When she'd raise her voice I made a conscious effort to lower mine, but it didn't make a difference. Her point has been made loud and clear, and not even me leaving the country will budge her decision.

Even though I know that my mom is good with her words, that she's good at using them against me, and I knew she would use them whenever I'd try to bring it up, it still hurts. It takes me right back to this summer and I just feel miserable. I'm trying to forget what she said, but now it's a ringing in my ears. I try not to believe her, but there's no one that could put on a better show. At least I hope it's a show. I hope that something I said got through. I hope that through my tears she heard me.

I think that this is also just what I needed. To bring me back to the reality of my life. To remind me how much I need God. I feel crazy. I feel like I not only had a cup of the punch but a pitcher or two of it. I just want to be angry. I just want to hate her. I want to yell and scream and hate God for doing this to me.

But I can't. I'd rather believe that it all has a higher purpose. I'd rather believe that I am the sum of my experiences and that this is making me a better person. I'd rather believe that it's not meaningless and that God's plan involves being broken. I'd rather believe that He loves me so much, that He's going to test me. I'd rather believe in God than nothing at all.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

"God is our refuge and strength an ever-present help in trouble." Psalms 46:1

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power." Ephesians 6:10

"My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word." Psalms 119:28

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." Isaiah 40:29

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Corinthians 15:57

"So we say with confidence, 'The lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mad do to me?'" Hebrews 13:6

"The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you." Romans 16:20

"The Lord is my light and my salvation-whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalms 27:1

"Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me." Psalms 27:10

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." 1 Corinthians 10:13

But mostly, this makes all the difference. I couldn't think of anything better to leave you with.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all when he asks, he must believe and not doubt..." James 1:2-6

Maybe it's the kool-aid, but I believe every word I just read. And it makes me feel better. And at the end of today, when I pray, I'll thank God for my trials. I'll thank Him for the people He's put in my life to be here for me. I'll thank Him for this beautiful plan that I rarely understand. And I'll thank Him, so much, for saving me and considering me worthy.

I. Love. You.

And thank you for listening. You'll never fully know how grateful I am to have you.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

La Dolce Vita

Well hello. To what do I owe this unexpected visit? Good news. Of course.

So I guess I'll start where it all started...

Remember waaaaay back when I wanted to go to Math and Science School? "What?!" You may be asking yourself. Yes. Back to my 10th grade year in high school. Well initially, I wanted to go because it was a good opportunity. I wanted the relationship between me and my mom to get better. I wanted to be "grown up." After I got accepted, all I wanted to do was run. Run away from my mom. Run from an ex-boyfriend. Run from a small town. And I did, and it was great (besides school). As it turns out, I wasn't quite ready to be making "grown up" decisions, and I had to withdraw.

I haven't even tried to run since. Until this summer.

I know I said this at some point in some blog last semester, but just in case you forgot...I had a breakdown last semester. I was working in lab one day and it was nice when I went in, and when I walked out it was pouring. There was also a dead bird outside and all in that instant I felt hopeless about everything: school, life, the weather, Fayetteville, this country...I felt like it was smothering me. I know this is all very dramatic, but when I saw the bird, I lost it. I burst into tears-grabbed some gloves and a box- and took the bird. To bury it of course. Soon after that day, I found out I had gotten into LSU and I applied to South Carolina. It was mostly that I wanted to go somewhere, but there was also that feeling of needing to get away: from first semester, from boys, from my life here, I'm not sure. It doesn't matter, I still felt desperate to leave.

While I was in Baton Rouge, I got a taste of freedom. Real freedom. I'm not sure how to describe it, but I loved it. It wasn't like the first time, the ASMSA time, this was different. Maybe because I prayed for so long before. Maybe because it was all part of His master plan. Maybe because I wanted it to be part of THE plan. I don't know. I may never know, but it was perfect.

The next part of the story, you're mostly familiar with. After everything that happened with my family, I ran again. Anywhere and everywhere I could. As fast as I could. I didn't want to be me. My life had collapsed on itself. And I remember all too well thinking I'd never be the same. I'd never really laugh, or wear headbands, or fully enjoy anything ever again. Which is also very dramatic, but are you really that surprised?

So where is my life now? Well I love it. School is going well. I'm more optimistic than ever. My snob side comes out every now and then, but it's something I'll always have to work on. I have amazing friends. I love my church. My mom isn't speaking to me, but it's something else that I'll always have to work on. My life isn't perfect, but I'm ok with that. And more than everything else, I am constantly reassured of the plan God has for my life.

So before I get into all the news I have, let me give you some verses and another quick story:

"Be very careful, then, how you live-not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." Ephesians 5:15-20

High points: Make the most of every opportunity. Understand what the Lord's will is. Be filled with the Spirit. Always give thanks to God for everything.

"'For I know the plans that I have for you,' says the Lord, 'plans of peace and not of evil, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

High points: Peace. Hope. Future.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

High points: First, it's the verse on the bracelet I wear every day. Second, well, I don't think I could say it better myself.

The last story for today? Well I've been meaning to blog about this since the beginning of the semester when it happened. Because of a lack of time and motivation, I'm just telling you now. So Megs and I collect MCR. Don't know what that is? It's better that you don't. At the beginning of the semester, I walked by like 6. And there they were everyday. Not being used, all I had to do was bend over and pick them up but instead I walked past them everyday. I kept telling myself I'd pick them up Tuesday morning because that's when the recycling usually gets taken out. But Monday night they were gone. The recycling got taken early for whatever reason and I had lost my chance. Lost that opportunity.

I started thinking about how many opportunities I pass up everyday. Not just with God, but in my life in general. Not only do I want to be more like Jesus everyday, I want to be living my life to the fullest. I want to take opportunities that are given to me, because sometimes the recycling gets taken out early and then that chance is gone.

So now for the good news: I've been accepted to study abroad in the spring! I actually found out a few weeks ago, I just didn't know all the details of how I would fund it and how everything else would work out. But now all my papers are in. I'm not registered for any classes here next semester. I'll be moving to Newcastle, Australia sometime in February :))

There's more...every fall and every spring, the college of engineering holds engineering expo. Since my freshman year, I have spoken to the L'Oreal Operations company in hopes that they would one day get back to me. This year, I didn't speak to them really expecting anything but free make-up. And then I got an interview. And then it had been a few weeks, and I found out last week that I'm being offered an intern position for next summer :))

After this, there's no more...I also interviewed a few weeks ago with Eastman Chemical Company. I thought it had gone well, but I hadn't heard back from the man I interviewed with. And then I got the call. They are offering me an opportunity I don't want to miss out on. For next fall. :))

So what does all this mean? Well it looks like I won't be in Fayetteville at all next year. As of right now, all of it is going to work out. One right after another, I'll move to Newcastle, the Little Rock, then Longview. Madness, shear madness! And for the first time, I'm not running from anything at all. I love my life here and I'm just so thankful for the opportunities ahead. I felt blessed by my experience in Baton Rouge and this summer everyday, and there's not a doubt in my mind that God is behind all of this. I know for a fact I'm not capable of this. I know for a fact that He had a plan all along, and in the midst of facing one miserable pixel piece of my life at a time, He saw a much bigger picture. One that included peace and hope for my future.

I'm scared, of course. Not of leaving, but of the first thing that goes wrong. I'm scared I'll know it was all too good to be true. So like other things, I'll pray for strength to praise God for the good and the bad. To be blessed by all my experiences and to remember to be thankful for everything God does. Sure, it's easy to say now. Very easy. The words, like my life right now, are sweet and flow so nice. The real test will come when it's all gone and I try to say, whole heartedly, "the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, the name of the Lord be praised." Job 1:21

The other crazy thing about all this? I wonder where I'd be, what I'd be doing, or what I'd be telling myself if 1: my life hadn't gone topsy turvy last year. 2: God didn't love me (and everyone) as much as He does. 3: my mom and I were still speaking. It's just a thought. There are no coincidences in life. Just a perfect plan with specific intentions by a masterful creator.

I hope you see the wreck my life was, and everything God has done for me because of nothing I did at all. He loves me and He loves you. And trust me, I don't deserve it. Not one bit.

Goodnight. I love you. And of course, God loves you