I have been SO excited about next year. I've been so thankful and still am. I consider myself very blessed, because like I said, I know that I don't deserve any of it and I know I couldn't have pulled it off on my own. There has just been one snag in my plan. My mom.
I've had my car this past week so I needed to take it home. I also intended on telling her the good news. As I started to drive into Farmington, I began thinking of how I would tell her. How to approach the entire situation. My reaction? I started to cry almost immediately. Before I ever even got to my street, I was terrified so I prayed that God would just make it ok.
Horrible is understatement for the way I left my house tonight. I finally stopped crying long enough to tell her I had something to tell her, and although apathy was what I was expecting, it was still more than I could handle. I tried my best to stay calm, but that's never the go to response for either of us. When she'd raise her voice I made a conscious effort to lower mine, but it didn't make a difference. Her point has been made loud and clear, and not even me leaving the country will budge her decision.
Even though I know that my mom is good with her words, that she's good at using them against me, and I knew she would use them whenever I'd try to bring it up, it still hurts. It takes me right back to this summer and I just feel miserable. I'm trying to forget what she said, but now it's a ringing in my ears. I try not to believe her, but there's no one that could put on a better show. At least I hope it's a show. I hope that something I said got through. I hope that through my tears she heard me.
I think that this is also just what I needed. To bring me back to the reality of my life. To remind me how much I need God. I feel crazy. I feel like I not only had a cup of the punch but a pitcher or two of it. I just want to be angry. I just want to hate her. I want to yell and scream and hate God for doing this to me.
But I can't. I'd rather believe that it all has a higher purpose. I'd rather believe that I am the sum of my experiences and that this is making me a better person. I'd rather believe that it's not meaningless and that God's plan involves being broken. I'd rather believe that He loves me so much, that He's going to test me. I'd rather believe in God than nothing at all.
"Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
"God is our refuge and strength an ever-present help in trouble." Psalms 46:1
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power." Ephesians 6:10
"My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word." Psalms 119:28
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." Isaiah 40:29
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7
"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Corinthians 15:57
"So we say with confidence, 'The lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mad do to me?'" Hebrews 13:6
"The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you." Romans 16:20
"The Lord is my light and my salvation-whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalms 27:1
"Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me." Psalms 27:10
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." 1 Corinthians 10:13
But mostly, this makes all the difference. I couldn't think of anything better to leave you with.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all when he asks, he must believe and not doubt..." James 1:2-6
Maybe it's the kool-aid, but I believe every word I just read. And it makes me feel better. And at the end of today, when I pray, I'll thank God for my trials. I'll thank Him for the people He's put in my life to be here for me. I'll thank Him for this beautiful plan that I rarely understand. And I'll thank Him, so much, for saving me and considering me worthy.
I. Love. You.
And thank you for listening. You'll never fully know how grateful I am to have you.