Thursday, February 24, 2011

If I only knew where to start….

If I only knew where to start, this post would be short. However, being the faithful reader you are, you know it won’t be.

I can’t honestly say that I’ve missed you this time. People, yes. I miss people all the time. Blogging, not so much. Not because I don’t love writing my life out to better examine it later, to share my experience with you, and just getting things off my chest, but because it takes me so long to put down in words. This is key for what I may have learned this morning.

But first, an update. I spent a month in Texas with family for the holidays. I then flew to Hawaii and spent a month with my sister. And then I moved to Australia. Oh yeah, my mom started speaking to me again! That journey, however, deserves a post all to itself. The important thing is that when it came down to it, God brought us back together. Is everything resolved? Absolutely not. Will it ever be? That’s not for me to decide unfortunately, and I have to learn to be ok with that.

In other news: Australia has been fantastic. In a lot of ways, it’s just like home, but there’s no one here to help me get through stuff. There was no one here to find a place for me to live. Or to help me figure out the internet. There was no one to carry all of my bags up the hill to my new apartment. No one to tell me what groceries I should get. No one to cook for me once I bought stuff. No one to tell me when to stop buying. No one to tell me anything. Or to not do anything. It’s all very different.

I’d like to say I’ve been handling this newfound freedom with grace and dignity, but I honestly can’t. It’s like the little demons inside me have had a second wind. I will say this, on my behalf, I haven’t been entirely reckless with my life. I’m almost positive this is just part of the shock of being on my own in a different country for the first time ever. It’s a learning experience; I just hope I learn all my lessons.

But that’s also not what this is supposed to be about.

I woke up early this morning. Again. I think it’s because my body realizes I may never be here again and no matter how late I go to sleep, it wants to wake up early to make the most of the next day. None of that wasting precious time on sleep. Surely that will end once school gets going.

Back to what I was saying…I woke up early, and rather than waste internet by browsing, I decided to go for a run. I live super close to this lighthouse and I knew the promenade would lead me there so I took it. I ran all the way to a point called Nobby’s Beach that’s just below Nobby’s Lighthouse and I just stopped to catch my breath when I realized just how amazing it is out there. I followed this path around the lighthouse and down another path where there are just lots of concrete blocks piled together and cement path down the middle. I walked all the way to the end, climbed onto a block and just sat and watched the waves break against the bottom.

It was perfect. And I sat there and just thought and tried to think of a way to explain it and I just couldn’t. And even though a picture says 1000 words, it woudn’t be enough to justify the feeling of being out there. So I just sat and soaked it all in. Next to plaque for someone who I assumed died, named Andrew and below his name it says “Loving, Adventurous, Free.” I tried to think of profound thoughts like I could figure out all of the earth’s secrets from sitting out there. I tried to think about love and life and freedom.

I thought about this event on Facebook where people from all over the place plan on looking at the stars at some point on March 4th. I’m sure most don’t even know each other, and whether they believed in God or not, they could at least appreciate how many people were brought together by the thought. So I thought about the universe and the countless number of galaxies, planets, and stars and realized I couldn’t comprehend that either. And that’s when it hit me.

The most incomprehensible, complicated, intricate, and sometimes-frustrating things have to be the most beautiful and amazing, otherwise they’d be easy to explain.

Take for instance, love. When people are in love, really in love, they probably can’t explain what it feels like very well.

Take for instance, the universe. Or think about amazing views. Or think about babies growing inside of people. But the most amazing, of course, has to be the love that God has for us. I can’t explain what it feels like when I re-realize that He’s always around. He never left. That He really does have a plan. That He loves me and will continue to reveal Himself to me even when I don’t try very hard to look.

I couldn’t be farther from perfect. I don’t think we’re supposed to be. I mess up and I mess up a lot, and sometimes I mess up big time and others it’s just something small, but to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that not only is God still around, but He STILL wants me. He’s still choosing me. And I don’t deserve it, but that’s the majestic and mysterious and incomprehensible but most beautiful and amazing thing about God.

I love you. And I miss you. Yes, even you :))