Bring on the rain

I normally start posts with what I've been up to recently. Unfortunately, lately that's been nothing. Last night I went and had dinner with a few old friends from high school, which one could consider nice. It really depends on what one would consider nice though...

My mom has been out of town the past few days which was good and bad. It's bad because staying at home alone sucks sometimes. Especially when I'm bored and all I want to do is watch movies but no one is here to partake with me. On the other hand, I enjoy being alone. I enjoy the responsibility of keeping the house in order and picking up after myself. The silence still drives me nuts though.

After dinner last night, I came home and went to bed. It was perfect because I was pretty tired even though it was only 9:30. I was nervous about going out with my friends after dinner and not being true to who I am, to be quite honest. I felt as though I would have ended up making decisions based off of peer pressure, which has never really been something I handled well. Today I feel as though I lost a good opportunity to be myself and still have fun. Sometimes I don't give God enough credit. Could I have made it the whole night and not made one bad decision, possibly so, but I wasn't willing to step outside this little box out of fear. That's just a side note. Maybe I'll expand on it some other time.

So this morning, I woke up at several random times of the night. I suppose that's what it's like when you go to sleep early and don't really need any more rest. I finally gave up at 8 and decided to make better use of my time by making french toast :) In case you're wondering, it was absolutely delicious! I'll make them for you sometime!! After cleaning up, I got ready for church. Yes, you heard me correctly, church. Not only did I go to church, But I went to a church that I chose, and not because anyone made me. Upon arriving, I was overwhelmed and immediately thought the worse. I didn't think I'd like it and I almost got back in my car, but I walked in anyways. I'll tell you more about the experience some other time. After church I was in such a great mood! The sun was out for the 3rd time this week and it was warm and beautiful! I decided I was going to come home and sit in the grass and read in the sunshine! Since I was so excited, I also thought I'd blog about what I learned at church. As soon as I changed and walked into the kitchen, it had started to pour again. So instead I grabbed a blanket and put in Twilight :)) I promise I'm getting to the point soon, but now that I've told you up until the climactic point of today, I should go back and tell you about the journey I've had the past month.

As you may know, I work in a lab on campus. I love it! So much more than class. I wish I could just go there and not worry about school, but that's not the case. The project I'm working on is ultimately working on the prevention of Alzheimer's Disease which immediately drew me in because of my grandmother. Phase 1 of the project is done here, where we make the peptoids. Phase 2 is done at the University of South Carolina where they actually test the peptoids. When I started looking into what I'd be doing this summer, going to South Carolina was at the top of my list. I contacted the professor there and she informed me that she was not currently being funded but that if something came through, she'd let me know. No big deal, I didn't really want to move away from here at that time anyways.

As the semester progressed, I started feeling more and more bombarded with school and living here and being here this summer. I felt trapped and I remember crying thinking that I'd never get away from here. Don't get me wrong. I love NW Arkansas and I love going to school here. It's just that my future is coming at me so fast that I feel like before I know it, I'll end up with a job I won't be able to stand in a city I don't like. I want to be able to get away and travel and enjoy life in other places. I want to move to a big city and be overwhelmed by new things and not the same things I've seen everyday since I was 11. Anyways, a couple weeks after that I was accepted to this research program at LSU and despite the fact that it was only a month long, I was excited to be moving away from here. I signed the papers, agreeing to give them 1 month of my summer and I sent them off! I started praying for my summer there and that God help me to live accordingly while I was there.

What would happen next? I got an email from the professor in South Carolina letting me know that she had just gotten funded. Entirely too excited, I called to see if I could even apply since I had already agreed to go to LSU, and TC said to go for it. Of course the second I applied I started praying that I get accepted, but the excitement kinda turned to guilt shortly there after. I was worried that if I got accepted, not only would I make myself look bad for not going to LSU but make my school and department look bad as well. Within the next few days I woke up to read this verse in Proverbs 22:1, which didn't help me feel any better. It says "A good name is more desirable than great riches, to be esteemed is better than silver or gold." There it was. God telling me that I shouldn't have even applied because I had already agreed to go somewhere else, but I persisted in what I wanted regardless. I wanted to move to South Carolina for so many reasons, but one being that I'd be able to leave here for the whole summer, not just a month. I think that the longer I could be away from everything I know, the more I'd learn to depend on God and the better this relationship would be.

When I was in school, the days seem to drag on because I was only waiting for the day I'd find out where I was going to be. I attempted to find the best in both places and I promised myself I'd be excited no matter what. After all, I was still getting away. I pray about this everyday and I gave it God. We talked and I'd tell Him that I just want for His will to be done. At some point, I told myself it was ok to want to go to South Carolina, I can't help my obsession with the east coast. It's ok to want things, as long as I understood that God's will would come through in the end. So then my prayers turned to desperation and I'd pray for His purpose for me, but follow that with reminding Him of how badly I wanted to move to Columbia. This past week, I realized that I had been begging Him for so long, I was sure He got the point by now. And it kinda hit me, God knows how badly I want to move there so if it didn't happen right now, then that had to mean He had a plan for me either in Baton Rouge or for when I move back home.

Everyday since school let out, I've only allowed myself to check my email at certain times of day. I've started thinking in not only the central time zone, but also figuring in my head what time it was in Columbia. In attempting to control my email habit, I feel like I made it worse because I'd look to see how much longer it would be until I could check it again. My sister has called everyday and Rach has texted me so many times asking if I had found out yet, but there was still no word. I sent an email last week and then this past week I called and sent another email. Finally, my excitement turned into anxiety. You know how I love having a plan? Well I can't really plan anything when I don't even know where I'm going. I hated when people would ask. I hated thinking about the rest of the summer and not knowing where I was going to be.

On top of that, this week was depressing because it has stormed everyday and I've been trapped inside. I know I'm dramatic about everything, but it's how I see things, lol.

Back to today: I was laying on the couch, enjoying Twilight, and despite the fact that it's Sunday and most people don't work on Sundays, I checked my email anyways. And there it was. What I had been waiting for. It took me a second to open it because I wanted to take it all in. The past month came down to this email. So I opened it and I start reading. As it turns out, a lot more people applied than they had been expecting. Notifications weren't sent because they were waiting to hear back from the 10 they had selected. I stopped reading, and texted my sister. I promised I'd tell her first. I was still kinda shocked that it was all over. That was it. A month I had been waiting and it only took a matter of seconds to collapse the thought.

A lump quickly grew in my throught but I didn't want to cry, but I was upset. All of a sudden I wasn't in a good mood anymore. My sister called and we talked about it. She gave me encouraging words, but that made it worse. I didn't want her sympathy. I knew I was going to be fine, it just hurts right now. I tried not to be rude, but I'm sorry if I was V. When we got off the phone, I didn't want to watch Twilight anymore and I didn't want to read or blog I just wanted to sleep. I turned my phone on silent and I laid on the couch pretending that it wasn't happening like this. With sympathy being poured on me and alone and with the rain. I felt trapped, so I slept. I woke up and just wanted to sleep some more. I didn't want to face it and I didn't want to have to tell anyone, but I couldn't sleep anymore. I tried, but it was not happening. So I laid there and I started talking to God about this. I apologized for going back on my word and being upset, for being childish and for letting it consume me the way it did.

After laying there a while, my thoughts went back to church this morning and I realized He had already comforted me and given me words of encouragment. Looks like I'll be blogging about what I learned afterall. As much as the sermon meant to me this morning, it took on a whole new meaning when I could apply it to myself. Nathan (the preacher) talked about God being God just because He is. Not because we need Him or did anything to deserve Him, but we are because of Him. That we have to learn to trust His will with an open heart and through anything. Trust is something I've been dealing with a lot lately, so it home. And then he talked about Job, who is one of my favorite people in the Bible. And as I laid there, being the only person at my pity party, it made sense.

By getting upset I wasn't trusting Him, I was upset because I wasn't getting what I had wanted. I wasn't getting what I had planned for. But wait, what? God isn't God because of me? Yeah, He is who He is because He is just that awesome. His plans, don't revolve around me and what I want all the time. And it doesn't ever have to revolve around me. My job isn't to be rewarded for following Him, it's just to follow Him and trust Him, no matter what and through anything. "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised," Job 1:21. Recap: Job had just lost all of his children and wealth and everything he had worked for, and he was able to praise God. Nobody was taken away from me, and my skin isn't rotting off. My life could be worse...

Case 2: The son of God was about to be crucified. As he's in the garden of Gethsemane, he prays "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will...My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done," Matthew 26:39-42. Crucified. Not moving to Baton Rouge. "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us-- whatever we ask-- we know that we have what we asked of Him," 1 John 5:14-15. I used this the other day, but I only focused on the part that said 'He hears us' and the 'we know that we have what we asked of Him.' But taking a second look, the most important part of the verse says 'according to His will.' I can ask for whatever, but I should focus more on the according to His will and the may the name of the Lord be praised parts. It says that we'll have what we asked if we asked according to His will. There's not a doubt in my mind that God heard me ask a thousand times to move to Columbia. I am being reassured that God has something different in store for me. It's not what I wanted and it may not be specatcular, but my life should be about Him and revolve around Him. I didn't want to hear it as I read the email, but I know it's true. Why else would I have had a refresher on trust this morning?

I'm enjoying the current state of sunshine with the possiblity of more rain to come. I don't control the weather like I don't control what happens in my future, but I want to grow in God and learn to dance in the rain. May the name of the Lord be praised!

I'm not upset :) Pinky promise! I'm excited about Louisiana, the Cajuns, the food, the experience, spending time at home, and brushing up on my French!

Dear God, thank you for having a will for us and having a plan for me. Without your guidance, I wouldn't know where to start. And thank you for the gentle reminders that the world does not in fact revolve around me and that you being awesome has absolutely nothing to do with anything I am or have done. Amen

I'm sorry this may have dragged on a bit. You should expect it by now :)) Nevertheless, I am sorry. I love you! And thank you for taking the time to read!

Laissez les bons temps rouler! Bring on Baton Rouge!!