Thursday, December 2, 2010

Love Letters

"Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry." Ephesians 4:26 and "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18.

You may or may not read this, but I hope you do. I've been praying on ways to make this better, and the one thing I've learned over the course of my life is that God doesn't make mistakes. We are part of each other’s lives because God found us worthy of each other. There’s not a doubt in my mind that He knew we would push each other’s buttons. Say hurtful things. And come out better, stronger, more faithful people because of it.

I have hurt you. I have hurt you in the worse way possible, and you didn’t deserve it. You should know that it wasn’t my intention to lose, hurt, or dishonor you any way. I had every intention of finding a way to incorporate you into the decision I was making. But when we stopped speaking, telling you was no longer an option, and I lost you entirely. My first reaction being anger, at some point it was frustration, and at another point I was just hopeless and alone. But I must say, I have learned so much in the past few months that I would not have, if you were still the crutch I leaned on.

At this point I should get right down to it.

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I can’t tell you how truly sorry I am that this is the way things played out. That no matter how hard I prayed to make this decision in a way that no one would get hurt, you still did. You became a casualty in a battle you were supposed to sit out, and that’s my fault. You are absolutely right and I was wrong. I do want to say, that if I could, I would do things differently. I believe that I still would have made this decision; I can’t say that that was a mistake. I can’t apologize for something that I don’t believe is wrong, but is actually very very right. I just didn’t do it the right way.

You were right about something else too. I haven’t been acting very mature about this at all. I know I let my emotions get the best of me, and I’m starting to see that I’ve been lead by emotion and I don’t want to be. I want to be mature and responsible, and capable of handling the curve balls God throws sometimes. I know that you do too. I know that above all, you love God and want to be right by Him. So at this point, what do we do?

Well I came across these verses and as I was praying, and I just felt like letting you know. I considered sending an email, but how could I make this more honest, than to put it out there for everyone to see. This is me saying I was wrong, and I’m sorry and now everyone knows. The verses at the top are important, maybe not for you, but for me.

The first one saying that I won’t go to bed angry. This is crucial. No matter what happens in the future, I’m going to do everything I can to not be mad about it. Not at you, God, or myself. While I’m not sure (and may never be) of how this will fit into God’s plan for us, I’m sure He doesn’t want us living in anger. Things happen in life for His glory, and that’s how I’m going to try and get through this. I think it’s how God wants us to get through this.

The second is for peace. This is the tougher of the 2, I’d say. It means that when we get at each others necks and fight and don’t speak for months, or if God’s plan is that we never speak again, I’m going to be at peace with His will for us. My life is His to rule, not my own. I’ve learned that God is more concerned with what is best for us, and His glory and plan than if we’re happy with it. I don’t know where God will lead us, or what will become of our relationship, and us but I have to be at peace with the fact that it isn’t for me to decide.

I love you. More than you know and certainly more than I show and let on. I pray for you and us and that God will keep us together. In His time.