Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being around.
Help me get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?
And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need You like I've never done before...
So here's what's up. Almost 2 months ago I woke up and I couldn't be the same me anymore. It wasn't getting me anywhere so I tried life a new way. A new life where I attempted to fix my priorities, and you know what? I honestly believe God took my smallest effort at that point and handled the rest. He put the exact people in my life to help me get somewhere. Anywhere away from who I was. To take the sinful thoughts and nature and make me want and yearn for something better. I know it wasn't me, it was all God.
I've grown up in a conservative household. Always going to church, camps, rally's, the whole shebang. At each, praying. But honestly, I don't know if I've ever prayed as earnestly as I have the past few weeks. Maybe I have and I just don't remember, but nothing has ever felt so real. My prayers are conversations and because I'm learning to accept His will, I feel like my prayers get answered everyday in the craziest of ways.
How? Please allow me to share:
1. A few weeks ago Megs and I were in the lab and for the life of me I couldn't open this bottle of Acetonitrile. Now, usually I have a problem opening bottles but luckily there's this rubber opener thing that I use and it's never failed me...until then. Megan saw me struggle, so she walked over and starts pulling other tools out of the container. The wrench wasn't opening it any easier and neither did any other tool we attempted to use. What next? We start banging the side of the cap against the corner of the counter! After all these failed attempts, my thoughts turned to God. I remember thinking about Daniel in the lions den and how God quickly heard his prayer and protected him. I remember having a quick convo with God and asking Him to open the bottle with all His powers....silly, and slightly rude, but I thought it nonetheless. I felt guilty for questioning God after, so when Megs and I talked about calling someone to open it for us, I considered that His way of opening it for me. I'm not sure if Megan was calling someone or just texting someone but I remember taking the rubber thing again, and twisting off the cap easier than ever. I laughed and I told Megan about how I asked God to open it. I could have considered it a coincidence and just been happy it was open now, but I chose to give credit where it was due because I know the cap didn't budge at all as long as Megs and I were messing with it.
2. Remember that special birthday present God gave me at midnight? So on the eve of my birthday I went over to my friend Danae and Danielle's new apartment. Their whole family was in town for the occasion! I love this family sooo much and I did want to see them and hang out for a while. The small family get together quickly turned into a party and not really what I had thought would be how I'd ring in my 20th birthday. I thought about Megan's 20th birthday and how we spent the last 10 minutes being silly and taking pictures and I was jealous. I didn't want to offend my friends by leaving so I stuck around. I started watching Steal Magnolia's and reading People magazine. I was feeling desperate so I went to the bathroom to be alone and I almost cried. I wanted to be silly and take pictures on my birthday not watch Steal Magnolia's with a People magazine. I asked God what had gotten into me. Why would I have stayed so long? What good was I doing there? Why couldn't I be taking silly pictures? I went back and sat on the couch as Danae walked it. She wasn't participating in festivities and she didn't seem happy at all. As one of my closets friends, I felt bad so I asked her to sit outside with me and she opened her heart :) About halfway through our conversation, I realized why I was there. It wasn't to celebrate my birthday, it wasn't about me at all. It was about being there for someone I care about, when no one else really was.
3. That same friday I was planning on going and picking up all my summer recruitment tanks. I was particularly excited about it because of the birthday bike ride I had been planning all week for Saturday. The perfect occassion for these new tanks, right? Well they didn't come in. I was disappointed, but obviously my life could be worse, lol. I just planned on wearing a t-shirt, no big deal. When I got over to Danae and Danielle's, they started talking about these shirts they made for spring break. Since they had extra, I was going to get one! Awesome, new shirt for my bike ride, right? God one uped me when Danae brought down a purple tank. Something so petty, but I have to believe He heard me, right?
4. I'm about to get real honest. Around the same time I let God take control of my life, I kinda started to like someone. Someone who had been there all along. I didn't mean to, it just happened. I tried to resist, but I couldn't. I asked Megan to keep tabs on me. Let me know if I started putting this new whatever before my new whatever with God, ya know? I started praying about it too. I asked God to let me know what to do, because I certainly had no clue. The more I hung out with him, the more I knew I liked him. It was a completely different feeling and for the first time in a long time, I think I was really happy letting myself just be happy with him. Can you guess what happened next? He woke up and changed his mind. I don't think I realized how much I liked him until it was gone. In a flash. Quit cold turkey. And I cried, my heart ached. And then I opened my Bible. It sucked, bad. But it was what I had prayed for. God knew I wouldn't give up these feelings easily, so He kinda had to take them away. I had one plan, but in turning my life over to God, He had something else in mind. My heart hurt, but I knew God wouldn't hurt me on purpose, or without having a really good reason or something better in store.
A lot of things like this have happened in the past few weeks, I just can't remember them all. From small things like having a tank top to wear on my bike ride, to who I should and shouldn't date. God took care of it. I honestly believe that. So what does that have to do with now? There's some heavy stuff on my heart. Being the meticulous person I am, I tried to think of the best way to handle it without getting hurt, or anyone else getting hurt. I came up short. I couldn't think of anything. So I called my mom and I just cried because I had no idea what to do, and the answer was so simple: she told me to pray. After all these great things and small things that He had taken care of, why would I not think he'd take care of this? Why would He not be the first place I run to? I guess what I'm saying is that I still have a lot of learning to do. I still have a lot of myself to give over.
So I prayed for what's going one in my life and then I apologized for not going to Him first and then I thanked Him for always being there in the past, and I told Him I'd let Him take control of the whole thing. I'm so thankful that God cares about the everything in between, but more thankful that I can let Him take the big stuff as my mind draws a blank.
"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us-- whatever we ask-- we know that we have what we asked of Him." 1 John 5:14-15
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
"...The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." James 5:16
"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." Ephesians 6:18
"...the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Romans 8:26
"By joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
"And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it." John 14:13-14
Yes, yes I feel better now. Amen.
So I resolve to give it God. That, and the fact that I still have no idea where I'm moving to this summer. On a brighter note, God blessed me friends to keep me busy during the days so that I don't check my e-mail every 5 minutes of everyday. Today? Picked up my new camera, followed by an ice cream date in a hurricane with my love :)) First picture to commemorate the occasion:
Now I can sleep :)) Goodnight. I love you!
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