DIY

First, it's my mom's birthday! YAAAY! Happy birthday Mom!

Second, I want to thank everyone for the overwhelming response I had to my first post :) I never thought I'd be the type of person doing this, yet here I am. I love writing my thoughts and it's so encouraging to hear that you took the time to read them. Thank you. And I just thought I'd mention that discussion is welcome! I honestly don't know a whole lot, this is mostly how I feel or how I see things. So if you have an opinion of your own, please share!

Third, and most importantly as always, I want to thank God for giving me the courage to be able to write about what I feel. To not be afraid of criticism or not fitting in. For giving me a new kind of mindset and for helping me reorganize my priorities. And also for all your encouraging words :))

For the past week I've tried waking up earlier in order to read just 1 chapter out of my Bible. I'm starting with Proverbs because a friend recommended it. I had every intention of talking about what I read this morning, until a little later in the morning when I was reading my book "How to stay Christian in college." Up until now, it's kind of been a recap of God's love and power and mercy. Today I got to the part that starts talking about entering this college battlefield. I legitimately didn't make it far before getting discouraged.

He was talking about the 3 major types of groups that Christians encounter entering college: naturalists, postmodernists, and the do-it-yourselfers. As I was reading I realized that I didn't really have any professors that could be counted as either of the first two groups and as I read the description of the do-it-yourselfers, I realized I might be one.

The book groups it a lot more dramatically than I would say I am. It says that these people take what they like from all sorts of religions and combines them to make there own and that's how religions like Scientology happen. Well, I'm not a Scientologist, but of the different religious churches I've visited or know anything about, there are things I like and don't like about all of them. Personally, I don't think that any one of them is perfect or necessarily doing EXACTLY what God wants.

I should go back and explain my background a little bit for those of you that don't know. I am very conservative, despite my mom's ideals and the discussions we've had. I was raised going to a Church of Christ and when I was in middle school through the beginning of high school, I was at church as often as I possibly could be! I went to every youth rally, every Sunday/Wednesday night devotional, every church camp I could get into and I loved every minute. The first semester of my junior year in high school I stopped going to church when I moved to Hot Springs, although I'm not entirely sure why. At first it was hard because I couldn't drive so I was going to have to pick one that they drove to and I didn't like that either. So I'd go to church when I went home and I assumed that was enough.

Being in a new place and surrounding myself with people I didn't know was crazy. At Farmington my reputation was set, but in Hot Springs I could be whomever I wanted and people would assume that that was who I was. All I what I wanted was to fit in. I wanted to be friends with the pretty girls and be well liked. Despite the fact that I had never even tasted alcohol nor had the desire to, despite the fact that I knew right from wrong and despite the fact that I knew the consequences, I drank. Not because I wanted to, or because I was curious, but because I knew it was wrong and it was a rush. Not my faith nor morals nor values had never been tested like that before, and I put them all aside for that one night.

I immediately regretted it but before I knew it days had gone by and my fate at ASMSA had been determined. I felt so guilty. Not about disappointing God, but because I had let down my family. I had lost my innoscence and a new reputation had been set for me. My first Sunday back at church was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Facing not only my friends, but their parents, and all the adults who had been at those devos, youth rally's and church camps. They were coming up to me in flocks letting me know that they were praying for me and that they still loved me and so did God but their eyes told different stories and the judgement burned the little pride I had left. So I stopped going to church.

Sure I visit churches with friends and I have friends of all sorts of denominations. But that's not what I want. What I want is a relationship with God, not to be part of a church or have a religion necessarily. I thought this was a great plan, until earlier today when I read about those do-it-yourselfers. I'm not starting my own religion and I'm trying not to twist the words that I read, but I can't help but think that I'm still going about this all wrong. I know that going to church would help me learn and grow, but I have a Bible right in front of me and I have a desire to know God and I can pray. But is that still not enough? Thoughts?