A couple of weeks ago on Gossip Girl, this was the line on the trailer for the following weeks episode and I loved it. I was already going to watch it, but this fact that they threw this line in assured that.
I have so much to say! I'll do my best to cut out the fluff, but you know how talkative I can be...
First, I have a crazy story to tell you. You may not know this, but I started wearing this small silver anklet a couple of months ago. Yeah, I know, "no one wears anklet's anymore, Amanda," but I don't care, I do. I found it in a basket from home and I'm not even sure why it was in that basket because I hadn't thought about it in years. My dad gave it to me. When I saw it, I figured I was ridiculous enough to attempt to bring it back...and if nothing else, maybe it would distract from the scare on my ankle. Occasionally when I run, it gets knocked off, but I usually feel it and can pick it up and put it back on later. Last night, after we had gotten back from shopping, I put on some leggings and after a while I noticed it wasn't there anymore :(( My heart sank a little. I went to my room and checked for it. And then checked in my car and on the sidewalk, but it was gone. I considered crying, but decided not the think about it, and watched Twilight instead :)) I decided to blog about it today and say something along the lines of "I don't need it to remember my dad," because I don't. I think about him a lot. I even started carrying a picture of him and my mom on their first date in my Bible. It was going to be ok. I wasn't losing him again, it's about keeping him in my heart. This morning when I woke up, my leg itched...the kind of itch you get when you leave something on your finger or wrist that's too tight. I changed into church clothes...and there it was...on my ankle like it had never left. And I guess it never did, but surely God had something to do with it
Serena Van der Woodsen (the girl on Gossip Girl) finally had the chance to meet her father this season. He was charming and elite, like the Van der Woodsens, and Serena wanted to see the best in him and believe in him, but he turned out not to be a good guy. Why? Because he wasn't her daddy. Althought Rufus (her mom's husband) hadn't been in there lives for long, he was already the best dad for Serena.
Last Sunday at church there was a young couple at church with a daughter at around 5. The mom was carrying her at first, but after a while, she started getting fidgety and reached out her arms towards her daddy. He took her, of course, and held her until she was ready to be put down. I admired the way he held her and the way her head fit perfectly in the space between his head and shoulder. I was jealous.
When I was 10 my daddy died. Just a month before my 11th birthday. That's almost 11 full years that we spent together. Unfortunately, I don't remember a whole lot about us. I have a handful of sweet memories that I hope I never forget, but there's also a handful of terrible memories that I wish I could replace. Times I misbehaved or wasn't nice or said things I didn't mean. All these things that I wish I could go back and redo. I've been told many times that my dad knew I loved him, but I wish I could have told him, one last time.
Well, it's Father's Day. The one day a year I could probably do without. I hate this yearly, consistent reminder that I don't have one. It used to be a lot harder, for example when I moved to Farmington. If you went to middle school there, then you know about the Watch Dog Dad's program. I remember getting papers about it and just feeling so sad for myself. For months after his death I would have dreams about him, but I could never see his face and then I realized I was forgetting him. I wished for a t-shirt or a bottle of his cologne or anything to remember him. I wished I could feel him rubbing his scratchy beard against my cheeks when he'd kiss me, just one more time, even though I used to push him away when he would.
This morning at church, there was a whole piece on father's, of course. And a part where they prayed for all the father's and despite the girls I was with didn't have there father's there, I don't have one at all. And they were talking about all the important lessons kids learn from there father's and how father's are fixer's and special times that they have with their kids, and me? My dad wasn't there the day I had my first kiss, or the first time my heart was broken. He wasn't there when I graduated from high school and he won't be there when I graduate from college. He won't be there to give someone permisssion to ask me to marry them, or to give me away, or for my kids and I hate feeling sorry for myself, but I know if it was someone else, and not me, I'd feel bad. I hate throwing pity parties that only I attend. One of the lines that stuck with me this morning was that even when we can't fix something, we should always be part of the solution.
So I'd say it's impossible to bring him back. I think it's safe to say that I will never be able to replace him as well. So how can I be part of the solution? Well, I don't know for sure, but I think that focusing on the one person who has always been there, is still always here, and will always be here would be a good start. I can certainly keep my dad in my heart, so that he'll be at these events, but God is constantly proving to me that He's my daddy. He always has my back, is constantly comforting me, and only has the best planned for me. He says, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..." Jeremiah 1:5. "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future," Jeremiah 29:11.
I heard recently that you can't know where you're going unless you know where you're coming from. Deciding to give my life back to God was a pretty change for me. Now I'm in the process of finding what these plans for my future are and furthermore, my identity in God and as a Christian. I can't know where I'm going without knowing entirely where I came from.
After my dad died, I completely lost contact with half of my family. That's half of who I am. That's half of my medical history that I know nothing about. That's my blood, and my DNA and half of my identity. I'm friends with a few of these family members on Facebook, which only peaked my curiosity to the situation. It's been over 9 years since I've seen them and there's so much that I don't know and am completely clueless about. My sister was telling me recently that I should get to know them, they're fantastic people. Again, my own family and I don't even know what kind of people they are.
I was told recently that honoring your father and mother doesn't end when they die. By avoiding my family, not getting to know them or keeping in touch with them, is not honoring my father. Honoring him is keeping him with me and his memory and knowing more about him, his life, and our family. So I've decided to see them in a few weeks before I head home.
I'm terrified. This is all a lot of change for me. It's a whole lot of thinking about stuff I could easily avoid thinking about. I could always wait, but I don't know the next time I'll get a chance like this. I'm very scared and I wish I had my dad to comfort me and hold me and wipe away tears, but I do. I have God. He's my daddy. I've been praying about this and I feel like this is the next step to growing up that God wants me to take. And as for my fear, well growing up isn't supposed to be easy. Sometimes dad's have to push their kids to do what's right, even if it's hard. It would be nice to physically have someone sitting there, holding my hand as I reconnected with half of my life, but if I've learned anything the past few months, it's that God knows my every thought. And usually, before I ever ask, He gives me an answer and comforts me.
It's a sticky situation. They haven't even agreed to see me yet, nevertheless, it's what I want, eventually. Whenever they're ready. I was scared about coming to Baton Rouge, and now I can't imagine spending my summer anywhere else. I know I'll feel the same for this.
Honor (n)- honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's belief's and actions; high merit, as for worth, merit, or rank; such respect manifested.
Used in a sentence: My father's family deserves the same honor that he did.
According to urbandictionary.com:
Daddy (n)- The word daddy is not defined by wether or not a man has a biological child. You can never produce a child and be a daddy, likewise you can have 20 kids and never be a daddy. A daddy is a man who cares for a child's both physical and emotional needs. He puts the child's wants and needs ahead of his own. A true daddy is hard to come by, and a truely special thing.
Used in a sentence: God is my father, but he's also my daddy.
Urban dicionary isn't usually a site I refer to, but I knew it'd have something slightly ridiculous yet very appropriate for God. I suppose I got very personal with you today. I'm sorry if it crossed any boundaries for our poster/reader relationship. A piece of advice, don't wait for Father's Day or Mother's Day to celebrate your parents. Spend time with them and always let them know how much you appreciate everything they do. I'll take my own advice as well :))
I'll be home in about two weeks! I'm sure you miss me very much :)) Have a fantastic Father's Day! And week. I love you! Au revoir
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