Monday, October 3, 2011

But I'm the Baby.

Whaaaat? 2 blogs within a 4 week's sheer madness.

Well this is just more of a funny story to tell you just how ridiculous I am. I hope you laugh.

My sister is my best friend. She's 11 years older than I am which means that when I was little, she was old enough for me to idolize. Sometimes people would point out pictures of her to me and I'd say that it was me. When I was in first grade I vividly remember getting in trouble for writing her name down on my paper instead of my own. My sister has the most beautiful curly hair, so I used to sleep in rollers so that my hair could look like hers, it never did. I started dance lessons because I remember her costumes. There are videos of tiny me dancing and singing and being ridiculous because my sister would tell me to. I remember my sister teaching me to tell time. To drive. She told me a joke about having "kid knees." I remember that after she'd drop me off, I'd cry because just loved her so much. Pure love :)

As I grew up, she became very influential in developing this sense of learning. From taking me to zoos to the Science Place and museums, that's where it all started. Why I want to see and experience the world. She's not only the reason I love it, but the reason I know that I can. That I can do anything I set my mind to. She's inspiring.

I don't remember a lot about when my dad died or the time around then. I know that it took the same toll on her that it did me. Maybe worse in different ways. What I do know, is that when I decided to ask questions, I could turn to her. I could cry. We could both cry. We could be completely silent on two ends of phones, states and an ocean apart, and having a full conversation.

When my sister was getting married, I was nothing but excited. I never thought twice about what it meant for us, which is good, because it didn't change anything about us at all. We're best friends. We get mad at each other. She tells me I use too many exclamation points, I tell secrets I'm not supposed to (still to be debated). But I love her more than anything. I would do anything for her and give her anything I could, and I know that she would do the same for me.

My sister is within 2 weeks of having a baby.

I have been so excited for 8 1/2 months about Lennox Patrick Luttrell joining this family and the ridiculousness that is our relationship. I've loved him and been excited and prayed for him since I knew he'd be around. but last week it hit me. My sister, my best friend was about to be someones mom.

I'm not sure why I didn't think about this sooner, but I was sitting at work and I panicked and I just started crying.

Seriously?! I couldn't wait 15 more minutes to leave work to burst into tears over the most childish moment of my post teenage years?

But there it was. Maybe the most selfish I've felt in a long time. Maybe it's just because it's fresh on my mind.

She's not going to be mine. She can't be my best friend. Even though she won't be working, she won't be able to text me as much. What if I need her? What if she's the only one that'll understand?

What if she likes the baby more than me.

My whole life, I've been the youngest. I never had to share. I never had to fight for attention. I was automatically the favorite because I was the only one around. I've always been the baby.

At this point, you may be laughing. Which is good. I'm very dramatic. While this is how I felt, I worded it so that hopefully you'd find humor in my predicament. Onward....

So I realized I had this terrible older child syndrome. Not really because he won't be my little brother, but I am equally being dethroned. It sucks.

I'm not sure how this will play out. Certainly, you can say, "oh, she'll always be your sister" "she still loves you very much" "blahblahblah," but things will be different. It has to be. That's life. It's what makes us adaptable, change.

Well, I thought talking about it would make me feel better, but it didn't. I am still the most selfish person I know I right now. I am also still torn, because I am super pumped to have a little person that I can hopefully be as important to as my sister has been for me.

Nox, if you ever read this, I really do love you. I am excited for you. I can't wait to meet you and hold you and teach you everything I know.

This isn't Facebook worthy. It's terribly written. There's no hopeful message. There's really no lesson learned. Yet.

I guess that's where we part ways. One day I'll look back on this and it'll help me get through something else. I'm being prepared, I just don't know why or for what or when I'll need this, but I know that day is coming.

I love you too, you know. And I hope that you love me. Even when I'm dramatic and selfish.

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