Hello! It's been a while, again... and I'm sorry, again. I had to sort through a little more.
My struggles have shifted, yet again. Which I can explain, but first I have a thank you. Well lots of thank you's actually. This has been a really hard time for me and it's the most encouraging thing to know that I have the love and prayers of so many people. There are not enough words I could use to express how much the accumulation of thoughts has impacted my latest transition. Your encouraging words have...well been encouraging :)) One particular post hit me pretty hard though. I was asked if I believed the words that I said. When I thought about it, I didn't really think so.
I guess it goes back to trusting God no matter what. Obviously, it's a lot harder for me to trust pain and heartache, even though these things weren't from God. I didn't want to be a hypocrite and tell you all about the rest of my adventures and God when I wasn't really trusting Him. Does that make sense?
I also realized that life hurts when you want it to hurt. I mean, I don't want to hurt, but I wasn't letting God really take the pain away. I wasn't really believing what I said. But I guess life is easier said than done, right? Like a rope. If I hold onto it and it gets yanked away...I only get burned when I'm holding on too tight. As long as my palms are open, it's like the rope was never there.
So last weekend I went to Oklahoma City for this softball tournament. I've never been, so it was a great trip! Besides being with some of my favorite people for the whole weekend. It was my last trip of the summer as well. It hadn't been my plan for long, it was a last minute write in, but after a few days at home alone again, I was ready to get away again. Go figure.
And then it kinda hit me. I might not have been as sad or overwhelmed as I was right after I got back, but that didn't mean I was dealing with it either. I was still running. I've always run. It's always been easier and I thought I was dealing with life, but I wasn't. I was only pretending it was what it wasn't. Still with me?
Nevertheless, I had a great time with great friends. Where did God come in? Because you know as well as I do, He always steps in. This time? It was at the OKC National Memorial. It didn't hit me at first, but He kept spinning the wheels in my mind.
On April 19, 1995 the Murrah Federal Building was bombed at 9:02 in the morning. Half of the building was blown to pieces in the middle of downtown. It killed 168 people, 19 of which were children in the daycare. I was so upset walking through the memorial to know that someone so awful could exist. I read a comic strip in the memorial about how they "were defending freedom by bombing children and social security workers," and I was just furious that there could be someone so ignorant of what's going on or not really plan through something so destructive. It got better though, as I continued walking I read about how America came together and how firemen from all over America came to OKC that day to do what they could. How people were running to the streets with blankets that day and volunteers were trying to calm chaos. How so many people raised so much money for the memorial. How teacher's would explain what happened to children to lessen the fear. It was a group effort. The fear and pain didn't go away as soon as April 20, 1995 came around, of course not. It was a process.
Imagine if after the disaster they had left the building just as it was, half blown away with people still trapped inside. Imagine walking past that everyday. Imagine waking up and reliving that morning everyday. The streets flooded with bloody scenes and smoke. Do you think if it had happened that way, the people of OKC would have been coping? Could you just walk through the masses of people, smoke, or even the building everyday and pretend it wasn't going on or that it hadn't happened when there are people screaming all around you? Of course not. That's silly right?
That's where I was. In life at least. After my dad died, we moved to Farmington, AR where I could pretend that life in Texas with my dad had never happened. Crazy, right? But easier than dealing with the truth. Everyday I woke up being half of my mom and half of my dad and yet it was so easy for me to pretend that it didn't work that way. Like he never really existed. Like he had only ever been someone I had heard of, instead of someone I spent most of my life with.
I realized that with disasters, comes pain, but there also comes healing. Katrina, 9/11, OKC Bombing, Pearl Harbor, the Alamo. They were all disasters, but we're still a nation. So why is the Alamo the title? Because Texas lost the battle of the Alamo, but they won the war. I may go through a lot more pain, but I'll go through a lot more healing too. I may not win every battle, but I will win this war.
So how does our nation heal after a disaster strikes? We build a memorial. We educate others. We don't pretend it never happened. So how should I cope with not only 10 years of repressed feelings about my dad but everything that's been going on lately? I remember it everyday. I tell others about how God saved me yet again. And I stop pretending that life didn't happen.
From now on, I can think about the past, and cry about it if I have to. I'll thank God everyday for my life and live it for real. (Life is for living--Charlie St. Cloud :). I'll be grateful that I was blessed with my very own American Red Cross of support. And I'm getting back to this bigger purpose for a higher power.
This is what's enscribed on the entrance to the OKC memorial:
"We come here to remember those who were killed, those who survived and those changed forever. May all who leave here know the impact of violence. May this memorial offer comfort, strength, peace, hope, and serenity."
Perfect right? To remember the past, to know the impact of sin and satan, and to leave with comfort, strenght, peace, hope and serenity. All of which happen when I give it all back to God.
Today I went to the Farmer's Market, and then helped at a cook out for missionaries. I'm feeling so much better about everything. The more I experience, the less I realize I know. And the less I realize I know, the more I have to depend on God. I'm ok with that again.
My sarcasm is slowing coming back, along with my joy. Is my life any less bad than it was last week? No. But I think I'm handling life better than I have in a long time. And even thought it's not all better today, and it won't be tomorrow, next week or even next month, it will be eventually. Because at the end of the day, I still have God. Or I guess He still has me.
Thank you so much for keeping up with me. Thank you for your constant encouragment. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for you love.
I love you! Very much so.
Goodnight
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