In case you haven't been reading lately, I'm in Australia. I've been here about a month and half and it's been fantastic. I live near the beach. I can take the train to school. My classes are manageable. And I've made some pretty good friends! All in all, I'm living a pretty top notch life these days.
This weekend I went to Surfest at a local beach and laid out all day. I play in the waves and dry off in the sun. Tonight I made enchiladas for dinner (finally), I had a cookie for desert with a glass of milk. I cleaned my room and showered. I painted my nails. Then I got on the computer to waste some time before going to bed. After exhausting Facebook and email, I thought I'd check up on my blog.
Since I had free time, I thought I'd read through some old posts. I read about when I found out I was coming here and about my internships later this year. I read about my mom. I read about church. I read about flowers. I read my very first post. And then I read what I posted on my birthday. All of a sudden I remember why I started blogging and I couldn't be more thankful for having this reminder here.
My blog has always been great to let out all I've been feeling. To share what I've been thinking. To share what God has been doing in my life. But now, this blog and I have taken our relationship to a whole new level. It grounded me. I read these blogs and I admired the person I was. I have all the same goals, don't get me wrong, but since being here, there has been something off. I read scripture after scripture and line after line of pure faith. I read about being nervous that I'd stop leaning on God when the first thing went wrong, but it was the opposite. I stopped leaning because my life is so right. And what's worse is that I see what I am struggling with now, and it's almost like I don't even care to fix them. Who on earth have I turned into?
I haven't changed as much as I'm probably making it sound but there's definitely something different inside of me. It's not that God isn't there, it's more like I'm choosing to pretend He isn't. It's like I've subconsciously rearranged my priorities without God's permission, but He's letting me, of course. He's never been the pushy type.
One of the things I was adamant to pack was my Bible, but please ask me how many times I've opened it since leaving Fayetteville...you're right, it's none. When I first moved into my room here, it used to sit on my desk, haunting me until I'd open it. I realized just now, while reading through blogs, that at some point I moved it to a drawer. I had planned on reading it on my balcony in the mornings, but I haven't done that once. It's especially crazy to think that I "don't have time" for that now, when my classes don't really start until 11 most days and I always have a 12 minute train anyways.
I remember wanting to study abroad so much. I wanted to travel and meet new people and casually share my faith and I thought I'd be volunteering. When everything worked out too perfectly, I thought that this must be what God wanted too. And it probably was, but that's not who I've been at all. Sure, I've been traveling and meeting people, but I left out the other half of the bargain. I was supposed to go to a training day this afternoon in order to volunteer next month, but that was an afterthought to the beach. Not to mention the fact that I haven't told anyone anything that I believe.
I skyped a really good friend of mine a few weeks ago and she asked something along the lines of wondering if I did anything besides drink and go dancing. Yikes. Sure, she said it in a casual way. I'm almost certain she didn't mean for me to read into it. I also know she wasn't judging me in any sort of way, it was just a comment. I'll admit, since I've been here, I have been drinking again. I'm not sure why. It's not like I can't have fun without it. It's not like I don't have better things to spend money on. Maybe it's part of this new kind of freedom. Maybe it's whatever I didn't get out of my system before. I couldn't tell you. But I can tell you, that every time I've had a sip of something since, those words replay in my mind. It was like being slapped in the face with a distorted version of the truth, but it was just what I needed.
I know this isn't what God had in mind when He sent me here. I'm not sure if I've already missed the opportunity He had in mind for me either. I do know this, from here on out, things will be different. Besides drinking, I've also been gossiping a lot. To go along with gossiping, I haven't been very nice to someone here. I need to work on both of those.
And finally, I haven't had a real conversation with God since leaving Fayetteville either. Perhaps small ones, but obviously nothing that I can really recollect. I would wake up early everyday to pray and for it to just be me and Him and it's like I've been cheating on God with my earthly life. I've been so caught up in myself and this fabulous and wonderful life He's given me to stop and see what's up with Him.
I'm sure this is just turning into a rant so I'll try to sum up the problem and the solution. Well, you've got the problem by now I'm sure. My solution? Lent started almost 2 weeks ago now, and I didn't bother to give anything up because I live on limited resources anyways, but I can give this up. Alcohol. I never thought I'd say it was a problem in my life, and to be honest, it's not a problem, but I know my life could be more full, more clear, and more focused on a higher plan if I just nixed it for a while. In addition to giving it up, I'm going to go back to waking up early and reading scripture. I've been out of the swing of things for a while, so for now I'll start with reading Proverbs for the day. As time goes on, I'll branch out and start reading somewhere else again, but for now I think I need a dose of wisdom. And with reading, I'll spend time in prayer. Just me and God. No distractions.
I'm so thankful that I am writing these experience down. I hope that there are days when you are bored so you decide to read from a wiser me and that I can help you through similar slumps.
I'm sorry if you read this and I've let you down in some way. But mostly I'm sorry that it's taken me this long to realize that I had sat down when I was supposed to start running down this new path God had paved for me. I'm scared that I won't have any purpose here now, but I know God will take care of it.
I love you. And for now, that's all I have to offer.
Goodnight or goodmorning! Depending on the part of the world that you're in
:)
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