Good morning/afternoon/night!
That's much easier to put. You see it's morning right now, but I won't finish this until at least the afternoon. I might not even post it until tonight though! It's a complicated process but if it was easy it wouldn't be mine. Over-complication is my specialty!
So far today has been great! A little prayer meeting this morning. A little in the book of John. And a little Ben Rector to top it off. Who, by the way, will be at George's on October 28th! Please let me know if you're going so we can go together!
I hope you had a great Labor day weekend! Mine couldn't have been more perfect. My least, yet most favorite person in the world was here! I jam packed our weekend with the fair, the farmer's market, cheap thrills, hiking, Camp Rock 2, sour gummy worms, Naked, church, and then the lake! I am so thankful for her and my friends and my new friends and for fellowship and for Green Valley Bible Camp for bringing us together. I couldn't have asked for more! But so much more was given to me.
While our weekend was great, and yours probably was too, not everyone's was. In case you haven't heard the devastating news, a local girl died on her way home from the John Mayer concert in Tulsa on Friday night. I heard about it at church and while I forgot about it at the time, I was reminded again later when some of my younger church camp friends were updating FB statuses in remembrance of her. I don't know her, but I saw that many of them were writing on her wall, so I did a little investigating to find out more. She was a senior at Har-Ber High School and she was only 17 years old. She's beautiful and she is going to be greatly missed by not only her family, but her peers. As I read through her FB page, I was encouraged by her life and what she had on there. And this is where I'm at today.
So yes, I suppose I am a creep, but I'm curious, and can't control that very well. I have so much that I want to say about the situation and I feel as though so much is being said to me through what happened, and I feel like there are opportunities left and right and I just hope that I take them all. For now, there's just one point I want to make and I'll get to the rest in a matter of time. And that is? To put it simply: I Am Legend.
I was reading through a few of the posts to Micayla's wall and there's no doubt in my mind what an amazing, funny, charming, and inspirational girl she was. Although I don't know her, I started to feel very upset for the loss. I do understand loss, and I understand losing someone to an unfair situation. The feeling of being robbed of a blessing. It's all too real for me, and I hate for her friends and family and for my friends that knew her to feel anything like that.
But of course, in the midst of my frustration, I found this on her quotes:
"Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart. That is the real meaning of peace."
I'm not sure how many people that have been posting on her wall have read this, but I hope that at some point, they all do. I don't think it could have been said any better and there it was. At the very top. Peace. The one thing people probably need to hear more about right now. Dealing with the loss of someone you love isn't about how quickly you can get over it. It's not about how fast you can forget and get back to work. Really, I don't think it's something you can ever just get over. It may always hurt just a little, but that's the importance of peace. You don't have to like the outcome of a situation, you might never know every detail of what happened or why, but fully trusting God is the bigger picture. Trusting God should give us peace. Overwhelming peace, I'm sure. Because when we fully commit ourselves to Him, we have nothing left. That's the way it's supposed to be I think. We're supposed to be left with nothing because we aren't anything and God is everything. Right?
*Intermission* So I started this yesterday...being Tuesday. But it's now today, being Wednesday. I promise not to sleep until I finish my thoughts this time though!
So I continued to read through her page and I bought into her humor and could see joy in her face in the pictures I skimmed. She didn't seem like just any girl. She still isn't just any girl. She is legend. The posts on this girls wall are witness to the kind of life this girl led. People that don't know her, know of her faith. Her wall is covered with comments about what a great influence she was, and how even now she's inspiring people. One comment was about how she had wanted her school to join together for something, and to be more like a family and the commenter said Micayla was finally getting her wish. What an amazing girl! What an amazing Christian.
I've read even more comments about how she's brought people to their faith. This is serious stuff. Remember on my birthday when I talked about wanting to be so strong when I die? There's not a doubt in my mind that this girl is the embodiment of that. There's not a doubt in my mind of where she ended up. There's not a doubt in my mind that God was using her, and is still using her. That's the most wonderful thing I could ever ask for and she was only 17! I'm not going to lie, when I was 17, I thought I had bigger fish to fry. Verbally, God would have been at the top of my list of priorities, but in reality, He couldn't have been closer to the bottom. When I was 17 I was more focused on the "cheap thrills" of life than anything everlasting or where my soul ended up. It wasn't until recently that my priority list reversed it's order!
Life is fragile. That's obvious. We still have to take it by the horns though. Micayla Patterson knew exactly who she was and had an identity in Christ. I think it's safe to say that she lived by that everyday. She didn't skip out. She has a legend.
You and I? Well I guess we're in the process of fixing our legends. Toss the cheap thrills for some eternal adventures. Get out of the dark by starting up our lights. Start shouting from mountain tops. Become more malleable. Learn to be more dependent. And give it all up.
"Do not love the world or anything in the world...For everything in the world....comes not from the Father but form the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever." 1 John 2:15-17
"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things...Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry...But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator." Colossians 3:2-10
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21
"Each tree is recognized by its own fruit." Luke 6:44
"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth..." Isaiah 42:16
"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in teh house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, theat they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16
"Let the desert and its towns raise their voices...let them shout from the mountaintops." Isaiah 42:11
"...'Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand'..." Jeremiah 18:6
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and lean from me, for I am gentle and bumble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28
Overloaded? Sorry about that. I hope you understand what I'm saying. I hope that I start doing a better job a living the way I should be so that when that day comes, I leave behind a legend not of myself, but of the life I led for Him.
Good night! I love you dearly. I hope you join me on Saturday morning at the Farmer's Market! I'm getting a head band :)) Have a fantastic Thursday. And Friday. And weekend. And did I mention I love you?
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Jerk-Face
Oh hey! Happy Thursday! Night at least...
I hope you had a great day! I had walking this morning, that's always good. I saw an old friend, also good. I led my first chem e meeting, I hope I did well. Oh yeah, and I was a big fat jerk...maybe not as good as the rest of those.
That was a nice and subtle :))
First I'll start with some very important verses:
"Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:48
"Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ." 1Corinthians 11:1
"And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of His grace, expressed in His kindness to us in Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:6&7
So I guess I'll go back to a situation from what I think was last weekend. You see, I'm not even sure when it happened. Just that it happened and after it did, I blew it off. It wasn't a big deal to me, but it should have been.
The book I was telling you about the other day, Red Letters, is all about being like Jesus and leading lives of love. It was all about AIDS in Africa, but being like Jesus doesn't just pertain to extreme situations. I know you know that, and I consciously know that, but clearly I need a little more practice.
In 99% of cases, I love meeting new people. On this particular off day, I was less than enthused to have game night with girls I had never met before. It was a mixture of things, but I shouldn't use that as an excuse. While we were in the process of starting a new game, I rudely stated that this was wasn't the better way of playing for whatever reasons and one of the girls didn't hesitate to comment back. I left after that game in a worse mood, and then completely forgot about it.
Until today.
This morning I was in the HPER and a girl walks up and sits directly across from me. I recognized her, so I smiled but she looked away before she saw. And then I realized that she had been the girl that had disagreed about the games. The whole time she was in front me, she stayed on her phone and wouldn't look up. She left soon after that.
First of all, it was a game. Not a big deal. At all! There was no reason for me to be rude. I was there to hang out with my friends and their friends and there's not a doubt in my mind, that I left a terrible impression of myself. I wouldn't have wanted to see me today either. Second, I'm a huge hypocrite! I sat here and blogged on Tuesday about how awesome I had been doing...NOT. I talk about wanting to live and love people, but that's not a "whenever I feel like it" kinda thing. Living by example isn't something I can choose not to participate in sometimes. Even if it is for only an hour or two.
That girl has no idea that I was at Service Saturday that morning, let alone that I wake up and read my Bible and pray everyday. How would she? I might as well not wake up early if I'm not going to commit to being a different person, a more Jesus person, ALL the time. Not just when I feel like it.
In my book there's a part that talks about how we should put things that are on God's heart at the top of our priority lists. To love people more than we love ourselves because God loves us more than enough. That if we take care of His priorities, He takes care of ours. But there are a thousand more verses like the one from Ephesians of why I should do this. Not because I want God to take care of the things that I can't (although I do), but because it's the least I could do. Being Jesus to people, loving them unconditionally, no matter who they are, IS being like Christ. I want to move to Africa and love people there, but I can't even love people here. God has done so much for me lately and I blew it!
Jesus never got a break from being Jesus. There is not a time I can think of that He wasn't the most amazing, most kind or most loving man in history. That's who He was supposed to be. God does so much for us, and Jesus died, the least we could do is be a little more nice. I say we. I don't mean to drag you into the same low category I'm currently in, but let's me honest, we're not always nice. We slip up, we forget, and hopefully we regret it. I had the chance to make up for it today, but when she wouldn't look at me, I felt ashamed of my behavior. I can promise you, if I ever see her again, I'm going to apologize for that night, no matter how many months has passed by.
All I'm saying is that we could all be a little more conscious of how we act. We don't have to be perfect all the time, but I do think we should strive to be and apologize when we're not.
On a brighter note, this is the 2nd blog in a week! I'm sorry I didn't blog in a whole month and am now overloading you.
On another bright note, I ran into a friend today who I hadn't seen in a long time. He got to tell me about his time China (which was actually a long time ago now) and I tried to catch him up on new things in my life. When we left I was thankful for friendship and fellowship :))
While I'm on the topic of fellowship: I really enjoy going to the farmer's market. It's in my top 5 favorite things to do. I usually walk around a few times. Get what I'm there for. And then I sit in the shade and read. I've been thinking, and if you'd like to join me, that'd be lovely. I promise not to bite your head off. I like to be there pretty early and I usually sit on the wall in front of the Town Center. Pretty soon it'll be over, and it'll be too cold to sit outside so I want to take advantage of this now. Please come join me :)) And maybe Facebook me to make sure I'll be there!
I love you. I'm sorry if I've ever been mean to you. I'm a work in progress. Thanks for keeping up with me :))
Here's a quote my wonderful roommate left me with, and I thought it was absolutely relevant. It's now Friday, so have a great weekend!
"Preach the Gospel at all times; when necessary, use words." Saint Francis of Assisi
I hope you had a great day! I had walking this morning, that's always good. I saw an old friend, also good. I led my first chem e meeting, I hope I did well. Oh yeah, and I was a big fat jerk...maybe not as good as the rest of those.
That was a nice and subtle :))
First I'll start with some very important verses:
"Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:48
"Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ." 1Corinthians 11:1
"And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of His grace, expressed in His kindness to us in Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:6&7
So I guess I'll go back to a situation from what I think was last weekend. You see, I'm not even sure when it happened. Just that it happened and after it did, I blew it off. It wasn't a big deal to me, but it should have been.
The book I was telling you about the other day, Red Letters, is all about being like Jesus and leading lives of love. It was all about AIDS in Africa, but being like Jesus doesn't just pertain to extreme situations. I know you know that, and I consciously know that, but clearly I need a little more practice.
In 99% of cases, I love meeting new people. On this particular off day, I was less than enthused to have game night with girls I had never met before. It was a mixture of things, but I shouldn't use that as an excuse. While we were in the process of starting a new game, I rudely stated that this was wasn't the better way of playing for whatever reasons and one of the girls didn't hesitate to comment back. I left after that game in a worse mood, and then completely forgot about it.
Until today.
This morning I was in the HPER and a girl walks up and sits directly across from me. I recognized her, so I smiled but she looked away before she saw. And then I realized that she had been the girl that had disagreed about the games. The whole time she was in front me, she stayed on her phone and wouldn't look up. She left soon after that.
First of all, it was a game. Not a big deal. At all! There was no reason for me to be rude. I was there to hang out with my friends and their friends and there's not a doubt in my mind, that I left a terrible impression of myself. I wouldn't have wanted to see me today either. Second, I'm a huge hypocrite! I sat here and blogged on Tuesday about how awesome I had been doing...NOT. I talk about wanting to live and love people, but that's not a "whenever I feel like it" kinda thing. Living by example isn't something I can choose not to participate in sometimes. Even if it is for only an hour or two.
That girl has no idea that I was at Service Saturday that morning, let alone that I wake up and read my Bible and pray everyday. How would she? I might as well not wake up early if I'm not going to commit to being a different person, a more Jesus person, ALL the time. Not just when I feel like it.
In my book there's a part that talks about how we should put things that are on God's heart at the top of our priority lists. To love people more than we love ourselves because God loves us more than enough. That if we take care of His priorities, He takes care of ours. But there are a thousand more verses like the one from Ephesians of why I should do this. Not because I want God to take care of the things that I can't (although I do), but because it's the least I could do. Being Jesus to people, loving them unconditionally, no matter who they are, IS being like Christ. I want to move to Africa and love people there, but I can't even love people here. God has done so much for me lately and I blew it!
Jesus never got a break from being Jesus. There is not a time I can think of that He wasn't the most amazing, most kind or most loving man in history. That's who He was supposed to be. God does so much for us, and Jesus died, the least we could do is be a little more nice. I say we. I don't mean to drag you into the same low category I'm currently in, but let's me honest, we're not always nice. We slip up, we forget, and hopefully we regret it. I had the chance to make up for it today, but when she wouldn't look at me, I felt ashamed of my behavior. I can promise you, if I ever see her again, I'm going to apologize for that night, no matter how many months has passed by.
All I'm saying is that we could all be a little more conscious of how we act. We don't have to be perfect all the time, but I do think we should strive to be and apologize when we're not.
On a brighter note, this is the 2nd blog in a week! I'm sorry I didn't blog in a whole month and am now overloading you.
On another bright note, I ran into a friend today who I hadn't seen in a long time. He got to tell me about his time China (which was actually a long time ago now) and I tried to catch him up on new things in my life. When we left I was thankful for friendship and fellowship :))
While I'm on the topic of fellowship: I really enjoy going to the farmer's market. It's in my top 5 favorite things to do. I usually walk around a few times. Get what I'm there for. And then I sit in the shade and read. I've been thinking, and if you'd like to join me, that'd be lovely. I promise not to bite your head off. I like to be there pretty early and I usually sit on the wall in front of the Town Center. Pretty soon it'll be over, and it'll be too cold to sit outside so I want to take advantage of this now. Please come join me :)) And maybe Facebook me to make sure I'll be there!
I love you. I'm sorry if I've ever been mean to you. I'm a work in progress. Thanks for keeping up with me :))
Here's a quote my wonderful roommate left me with, and I thought it was absolutely relevant. It's now Friday, so have a great weekend!
"Preach the Gospel at all times; when necessary, use words." Saint Francis of Assisi
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Man, I feel like Woman...
Good morning! I have so much to tell you! But first, you must admit, you've missed my attempt at relevant yet witty titles, huh?
So for starters, I'm so glad you're reading this! I haven't been the most consistent at keeping up with my blog recently, so I appreciate you reading when I do :)) Secondly, I'm sorry for not keeping up with my blog. I have a list of excuses, but honestly they don't matter. Thirdly, thank you for all your love, support and the prayers you may have been sending my way over the past few weeks. I know for a fact I couldn't have made it through the rest of summer without the help of God!
I think what I'll do is slowly tell you everything that's happened since we last spoke. I may never get to it! But I'll tell you what's on my heart every day and that should pretty well sum life up.
What's on the agenda for today? Well it's a modge podge of things really....
School has begun! We're a week and a day deep so far (for me at least) and it couldn't have sneaked up on me any faster! I still feel the anxious tinges every now and then from the prospect of a summer adventure...even though that summer adventure has come and gone. In the past few weeks I've had rush and more rush and moving and school starting and after all that I was tired. Again, it's no excuse, I had enough motivation to keep reading and praying daily, but after that, there was no motivation left to tell you about it. With little ambition to return to my writing, I prayed for a small ounce of a driving force to, at the very least, plan on blogging.
And then God happened.
We usually sit in alphabetical order for chapter on Monday nights, but last night being our first, the lines were messed up and people were everywhere so Compean came after Atchinson. After chapter she told me about their weekly prayer meeting at the house. I said I would definitely come today (Tuesday) and was super excited! And then she said it was at 6:30 in the morning. Excuse me? 6:30?! IN THE MORNING. You realize that means I have to get up before 6:30? Nevertheless, I said I would be there. I set another alarm before falling asleep and told myself that no matter what, I had to go. So when my alarm went off this morning and I realized it was still dark outside, I dragged myself up and tried to remember why I wanted this. And as I walked under street lamps that were still on, I reminded myself that this wasn't even about me. And all sudden there was a little bit of pink in the sky and the line "We cry Holy, Holy, Holy" came to my mind. I was still tired when I got there, but more so excited to see where this would go.
Girls continued to pile in after I did, and before I knew it, there was a full room. Of not only active members but older girls that had graduated too. As we bowed our heads to pray together I just listened for a while as these incredible girls spoke up around me. Pouring their hearts out to not only God, but to the others in the room. I felt so blessed to have such an amazing group of not girls, but young women around me. Women who have a passion and thirst and hunger for God. Who love and adore and thank and praise Him and want to live their lives for His glory. I almost cried.
I don't know how or why God puts certain people in our lives at certain times, but I know there are higher motives behind every tiny thing that happens in my life. This morning before we started, one of the young women in the group thought of this verse in relation to the situation and read it aloud:
"All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." Acts 2:44-47
I've talked a lot over the past few months about being in good soil. Iron sharpening iron. Having a tribe. And while I knew my sorority was soil, and that there were lots of different kinds of soils in this mix, I didn't really know where to be and would have rather removed myself all together. These women, who by the grace of God I can call my sisters, are good soil. They are encouraging and supportive and loving and mindful and I would be crazy not to want my flowers growing like theirs. Although they may not know, they've encouraged me today. Yes, to blog, and to share the amazing things God does for me, but reach out a little more.
The book I finished reading a few weeks ago is called "Red Letters." I bought it as a self help book with it's modern paper back cover and chic lettering, only to find this it wasn't about helping me at all...it was about helping others. Being the arms, legs, and hands of Jesus because the most important part of being a CHRISTian is Christ. It's living a life like He did; doing everything for God and everything in love.
So I've had these thoughts of reaching out on my mind a lot lately, and because of this book, I've completely changed my morning routine and tried to focus on what I would call the "extremes," which I can explain some other time. Anyways, yes, I have all this motivation to blog now, but I also want to focus on what I can do now. Who I can reach out to here. The people who are in my immediate contact list, rather than those I can't help right this second. Don't get me wrong, I still plan on praying for them, everyday, but all of a sudden it's important for me to reach out to people here and now. The girls in the new pledge class, the freshman in chemical engineering, and people I meet in my dorm.
So am I woman? Haha, well I don't think I'm quite there yet. It's a process I'd say. One that I have a pretty good hold of with the encouragment of those much stronger than me. That moment this morning was so incredible, and I will be there next Tuesday at 6:30 in the morning when the sun isn't up just yet.
In other news, today was the best Tuesday of the year so far. I'm not even sure if the Glee premiere in 3 weeks will top this.
Hmm....it's a little shorter than usual.
I don't have any fancy languages to speak.
I'm not about to leave.
I'm not overwhelmingly sad about anything at this exact time.
I am thankful for so much.
And I do, as I always have, love you :)) Good night!
So for starters, I'm so glad you're reading this! I haven't been the most consistent at keeping up with my blog recently, so I appreciate you reading when I do :)) Secondly, I'm sorry for not keeping up with my blog. I have a list of excuses, but honestly they don't matter. Thirdly, thank you for all your love, support and the prayers you may have been sending my way over the past few weeks. I know for a fact I couldn't have made it through the rest of summer without the help of God!
I think what I'll do is slowly tell you everything that's happened since we last spoke. I may never get to it! But I'll tell you what's on my heart every day and that should pretty well sum life up.
What's on the agenda for today? Well it's a modge podge of things really....
School has begun! We're a week and a day deep so far (for me at least) and it couldn't have sneaked up on me any faster! I still feel the anxious tinges every now and then from the prospect of a summer adventure...even though that summer adventure has come and gone. In the past few weeks I've had rush and more rush and moving and school starting and after all that I was tired. Again, it's no excuse, I had enough motivation to keep reading and praying daily, but after that, there was no motivation left to tell you about it. With little ambition to return to my writing, I prayed for a small ounce of a driving force to, at the very least, plan on blogging.
And then God happened.
We usually sit in alphabetical order for chapter on Monday nights, but last night being our first, the lines were messed up and people were everywhere so Compean came after Atchinson. After chapter she told me about their weekly prayer meeting at the house. I said I would definitely come today (Tuesday) and was super excited! And then she said it was at 6:30 in the morning. Excuse me? 6:30?! IN THE MORNING. You realize that means I have to get up before 6:30? Nevertheless, I said I would be there. I set another alarm before falling asleep and told myself that no matter what, I had to go. So when my alarm went off this morning and I realized it was still dark outside, I dragged myself up and tried to remember why I wanted this. And as I walked under street lamps that were still on, I reminded myself that this wasn't even about me. And all sudden there was a little bit of pink in the sky and the line "We cry Holy, Holy, Holy" came to my mind. I was still tired when I got there, but more so excited to see where this would go.
Girls continued to pile in after I did, and before I knew it, there was a full room. Of not only active members but older girls that had graduated too. As we bowed our heads to pray together I just listened for a while as these incredible girls spoke up around me. Pouring their hearts out to not only God, but to the others in the room. I felt so blessed to have such an amazing group of not girls, but young women around me. Women who have a passion and thirst and hunger for God. Who love and adore and thank and praise Him and want to live their lives for His glory. I almost cried.
I don't know how or why God puts certain people in our lives at certain times, but I know there are higher motives behind every tiny thing that happens in my life. This morning before we started, one of the young women in the group thought of this verse in relation to the situation and read it aloud:
"All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." Acts 2:44-47
I've talked a lot over the past few months about being in good soil. Iron sharpening iron. Having a tribe. And while I knew my sorority was soil, and that there were lots of different kinds of soils in this mix, I didn't really know where to be and would have rather removed myself all together. These women, who by the grace of God I can call my sisters, are good soil. They are encouraging and supportive and loving and mindful and I would be crazy not to want my flowers growing like theirs. Although they may not know, they've encouraged me today. Yes, to blog, and to share the amazing things God does for me, but reach out a little more.
The book I finished reading a few weeks ago is called "Red Letters." I bought it as a self help book with it's modern paper back cover and chic lettering, only to find this it wasn't about helping me at all...it was about helping others. Being the arms, legs, and hands of Jesus because the most important part of being a CHRISTian is Christ. It's living a life like He did; doing everything for God and everything in love.
So I've had these thoughts of reaching out on my mind a lot lately, and because of this book, I've completely changed my morning routine and tried to focus on what I would call the "extremes," which I can explain some other time. Anyways, yes, I have all this motivation to blog now, but I also want to focus on what I can do now. Who I can reach out to here. The people who are in my immediate contact list, rather than those I can't help right this second. Don't get me wrong, I still plan on praying for them, everyday, but all of a sudden it's important for me to reach out to people here and now. The girls in the new pledge class, the freshman in chemical engineering, and people I meet in my dorm.
So am I woman? Haha, well I don't think I'm quite there yet. It's a process I'd say. One that I have a pretty good hold of with the encouragment of those much stronger than me. That moment this morning was so incredible, and I will be there next Tuesday at 6:30 in the morning when the sun isn't up just yet.
In other news, today was the best Tuesday of the year so far. I'm not even sure if the Glee premiere in 3 weeks will top this.
Hmm....it's a little shorter than usual.
I don't have any fancy languages to speak.
I'm not about to leave.
I'm not overwhelmingly sad about anything at this exact time.
I am thankful for so much.
And I do, as I always have, love you :)) Good night!
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Remembering the Alamo
Hello! It's been a while, again... and I'm sorry, again. I had to sort through a little more.
My struggles have shifted, yet again. Which I can explain, but first I have a thank you. Well lots of thank you's actually. This has been a really hard time for me and it's the most encouraging thing to know that I have the love and prayers of so many people. There are not enough words I could use to express how much the accumulation of thoughts has impacted my latest transition. Your encouraging words have...well been encouraging :)) One particular post hit me pretty hard though. I was asked if I believed the words that I said. When I thought about it, I didn't really think so.
I guess it goes back to trusting God no matter what. Obviously, it's a lot harder for me to trust pain and heartache, even though these things weren't from God. I didn't want to be a hypocrite and tell you all about the rest of my adventures and God when I wasn't really trusting Him. Does that make sense?
I also realized that life hurts when you want it to hurt. I mean, I don't want to hurt, but I wasn't letting God really take the pain away. I wasn't really believing what I said. But I guess life is easier said than done, right? Like a rope. If I hold onto it and it gets yanked away...I only get burned when I'm holding on too tight. As long as my palms are open, it's like the rope was never there.
So last weekend I went to Oklahoma City for this softball tournament. I've never been, so it was a great trip! Besides being with some of my favorite people for the whole weekend. It was my last trip of the summer as well. It hadn't been my plan for long, it was a last minute write in, but after a few days at home alone again, I was ready to get away again. Go figure.
And then it kinda hit me. I might not have been as sad or overwhelmed as I was right after I got back, but that didn't mean I was dealing with it either. I was still running. I've always run. It's always been easier and I thought I was dealing with life, but I wasn't. I was only pretending it was what it wasn't. Still with me?
Nevertheless, I had a great time with great friends. Where did God come in? Because you know as well as I do, He always steps in. This time? It was at the OKC National Memorial. It didn't hit me at first, but He kept spinning the wheels in my mind.
On April 19, 1995 the Murrah Federal Building was bombed at 9:02 in the morning. Half of the building was blown to pieces in the middle of downtown. It killed 168 people, 19 of which were children in the daycare. I was so upset walking through the memorial to know that someone so awful could exist. I read a comic strip in the memorial about how they "were defending freedom by bombing children and social security workers," and I was just furious that there could be someone so ignorant of what's going on or not really plan through something so destructive. It got better though, as I continued walking I read about how America came together and how firemen from all over America came to OKC that day to do what they could. How people were running to the streets with blankets that day and volunteers were trying to calm chaos. How so many people raised so much money for the memorial. How teacher's would explain what happened to children to lessen the fear. It was a group effort. The fear and pain didn't go away as soon as April 20, 1995 came around, of course not. It was a process.
Imagine if after the disaster they had left the building just as it was, half blown away with people still trapped inside. Imagine walking past that everyday. Imagine waking up and reliving that morning everyday. The streets flooded with bloody scenes and smoke. Do you think if it had happened that way, the people of OKC would have been coping? Could you just walk through the masses of people, smoke, or even the building everyday and pretend it wasn't going on or that it hadn't happened when there are people screaming all around you? Of course not. That's silly right?
That's where I was. In life at least. After my dad died, we moved to Farmington, AR where I could pretend that life in Texas with my dad had never happened. Crazy, right? But easier than dealing with the truth. Everyday I woke up being half of my mom and half of my dad and yet it was so easy for me to pretend that it didn't work that way. Like he never really existed. Like he had only ever been someone I had heard of, instead of someone I spent most of my life with.
I realized that with disasters, comes pain, but there also comes healing. Katrina, 9/11, OKC Bombing, Pearl Harbor, the Alamo. They were all disasters, but we're still a nation. So why is the Alamo the title? Because Texas lost the battle of the Alamo, but they won the war. I may go through a lot more pain, but I'll go through a lot more healing too. I may not win every battle, but I will win this war.
So how does our nation heal after a disaster strikes? We build a memorial. We educate others. We don't pretend it never happened. So how should I cope with not only 10 years of repressed feelings about my dad but everything that's been going on lately? I remember it everyday. I tell others about how God saved me yet again. And I stop pretending that life didn't happen.
From now on, I can think about the past, and cry about it if I have to. I'll thank God everyday for my life and live it for real. (Life is for living--Charlie St. Cloud :). I'll be grateful that I was blessed with my very own American Red Cross of support. And I'm getting back to this bigger purpose for a higher power.
This is what's enscribed on the entrance to the OKC memorial:
"We come here to remember those who were killed, those who survived and those changed forever. May all who leave here know the impact of violence. May this memorial offer comfort, strength, peace, hope, and serenity."
Perfect right? To remember the past, to know the impact of sin and satan, and to leave with comfort, strenght, peace, hope and serenity. All of which happen when I give it all back to God.
Today I went to the Farmer's Market, and then helped at a cook out for missionaries. I'm feeling so much better about everything. The more I experience, the less I realize I know. And the less I realize I know, the more I have to depend on God. I'm ok with that again.
My sarcasm is slowing coming back, along with my joy. Is my life any less bad than it was last week? No. But I think I'm handling life better than I have in a long time. And even thought it's not all better today, and it won't be tomorrow, next week or even next month, it will be eventually. Because at the end of the day, I still have God. Or I guess He still has me.
Thank you so much for keeping up with me. Thank you for your constant encouragment. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for you love.
I love you! Very much so.
Goodnight
My struggles have shifted, yet again. Which I can explain, but first I have a thank you. Well lots of thank you's actually. This has been a really hard time for me and it's the most encouraging thing to know that I have the love and prayers of so many people. There are not enough words I could use to express how much the accumulation of thoughts has impacted my latest transition. Your encouraging words have...well been encouraging :)) One particular post hit me pretty hard though. I was asked if I believed the words that I said. When I thought about it, I didn't really think so.
I guess it goes back to trusting God no matter what. Obviously, it's a lot harder for me to trust pain and heartache, even though these things weren't from God. I didn't want to be a hypocrite and tell you all about the rest of my adventures and God when I wasn't really trusting Him. Does that make sense?
I also realized that life hurts when you want it to hurt. I mean, I don't want to hurt, but I wasn't letting God really take the pain away. I wasn't really believing what I said. But I guess life is easier said than done, right? Like a rope. If I hold onto it and it gets yanked away...I only get burned when I'm holding on too tight. As long as my palms are open, it's like the rope was never there.
So last weekend I went to Oklahoma City for this softball tournament. I've never been, so it was a great trip! Besides being with some of my favorite people for the whole weekend. It was my last trip of the summer as well. It hadn't been my plan for long, it was a last minute write in, but after a few days at home alone again, I was ready to get away again. Go figure.
And then it kinda hit me. I might not have been as sad or overwhelmed as I was right after I got back, but that didn't mean I was dealing with it either. I was still running. I've always run. It's always been easier and I thought I was dealing with life, but I wasn't. I was only pretending it was what it wasn't. Still with me?
Nevertheless, I had a great time with great friends. Where did God come in? Because you know as well as I do, He always steps in. This time? It was at the OKC National Memorial. It didn't hit me at first, but He kept spinning the wheels in my mind.
On April 19, 1995 the Murrah Federal Building was bombed at 9:02 in the morning. Half of the building was blown to pieces in the middle of downtown. It killed 168 people, 19 of which were children in the daycare. I was so upset walking through the memorial to know that someone so awful could exist. I read a comic strip in the memorial about how they "were defending freedom by bombing children and social security workers," and I was just furious that there could be someone so ignorant of what's going on or not really plan through something so destructive. It got better though, as I continued walking I read about how America came together and how firemen from all over America came to OKC that day to do what they could. How people were running to the streets with blankets that day and volunteers were trying to calm chaos. How so many people raised so much money for the memorial. How teacher's would explain what happened to children to lessen the fear. It was a group effort. The fear and pain didn't go away as soon as April 20, 1995 came around, of course not. It was a process.
Imagine if after the disaster they had left the building just as it was, half blown away with people still trapped inside. Imagine walking past that everyday. Imagine waking up and reliving that morning everyday. The streets flooded with bloody scenes and smoke. Do you think if it had happened that way, the people of OKC would have been coping? Could you just walk through the masses of people, smoke, or even the building everyday and pretend it wasn't going on or that it hadn't happened when there are people screaming all around you? Of course not. That's silly right?
That's where I was. In life at least. After my dad died, we moved to Farmington, AR where I could pretend that life in Texas with my dad had never happened. Crazy, right? But easier than dealing with the truth. Everyday I woke up being half of my mom and half of my dad and yet it was so easy for me to pretend that it didn't work that way. Like he never really existed. Like he had only ever been someone I had heard of, instead of someone I spent most of my life with.
I realized that with disasters, comes pain, but there also comes healing. Katrina, 9/11, OKC Bombing, Pearl Harbor, the Alamo. They were all disasters, but we're still a nation. So why is the Alamo the title? Because Texas lost the battle of the Alamo, but they won the war. I may go through a lot more pain, but I'll go through a lot more healing too. I may not win every battle, but I will win this war.
So how does our nation heal after a disaster strikes? We build a memorial. We educate others. We don't pretend it never happened. So how should I cope with not only 10 years of repressed feelings about my dad but everything that's been going on lately? I remember it everyday. I tell others about how God saved me yet again. And I stop pretending that life didn't happen.
From now on, I can think about the past, and cry about it if I have to. I'll thank God everyday for my life and live it for real. (Life is for living--Charlie St. Cloud :). I'll be grateful that I was blessed with my very own American Red Cross of support. And I'm getting back to this bigger purpose for a higher power.
This is what's enscribed on the entrance to the OKC memorial:
"We come here to remember those who were killed, those who survived and those changed forever. May all who leave here know the impact of violence. May this memorial offer comfort, strength, peace, hope, and serenity."
Perfect right? To remember the past, to know the impact of sin and satan, and to leave with comfort, strenght, peace, hope and serenity. All of which happen when I give it all back to God.
Today I went to the Farmer's Market, and then helped at a cook out for missionaries. I'm feeling so much better about everything. The more I experience, the less I realize I know. And the less I realize I know, the more I have to depend on God. I'm ok with that again.
My sarcasm is slowing coming back, along with my joy. Is my life any less bad than it was last week? No. But I think I'm handling life better than I have in a long time. And even thought it's not all better today, and it won't be tomorrow, next week or even next month, it will be eventually. Because at the end of the day, I still have God. Or I guess He still has me.
Thank you so much for keeping up with me. Thank you for your constant encouragment. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for you love.
I love you! Very much so.
Goodnight
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
The Wreckage
Miss me? I've missed you. I promise I did, although I left you high and dry without a warning. I'll explain just about everything. This isn't the easiest thing for me to tell you, nevertheless, I feel as though you have every right to know. And if nothing else, I want to make sure I remember this for later...And as a warning, this is going to be a long one.
The last you heard from me was about this grand adventure I was going on. And I did. I went into this adventure like road trip thinking of it as a vacation on my own. I could travel wherever, visit whomever, and stay for however long I wanted. And I did. I thought it would be like anything else I plan last minute. I trusted that God would lead me and I prayed for safety when I headed off again. And He came through. On everything He ever promised me. Everything from the very beginning.
I think that in order to understand it, I'll tell you the story and then tell you where God was and is, and then tell you where that leaves me.
My mom and I have rarely seen eye to eye on anything since I discovered I had an opinion. Our relationship is a journey and story and a blog post of it's own. For this post, all you need to know is that we stopped speaking at the beginning of the June. The reasons are even unsure to me. I don't want to be unfair or give anyone the wrong information and say that it was all her fault, when it could have easily been mine as well. Either way, we still stopped speaking to each other.
At first I just laughed when I realized she wasn't answering my calls or responding to my voicemails, because it seemed so childish, at some point it turned into frustration, which lead to anger, and finally apathy. I hate to say that I was apathetic towards her, it's just that I had been earnestly trying to communicate my point and from my point of view, I was the victim. I'd say God spoke to me several times since we've stopped speaking and the ultimate lesson I'm trying to learn from this situation is tolerance. Which doesn't seem like the nicest word to use, but it's the one that I heard in the lesson last Sunday morning. I love her a great deal through all this, and I realize now that all I can do is keep trying and pray that this will fade. But that doesn't seem like enough.
Remember when I was thinking about visiting my dad's family? Remember how badly I wanted to tell my mom before hand? I wanted to include her. It wasn't ever supposed to be her decision, but I did want her support. While I may never have gotten that, I wanted her to know the truth and I wanted her to hear it from me. Since the topic is a little too big to leave on a voicemail, she still doesn't know. And I hate that I feel like I'm keeping it from her, because I absolutely plan on telling her this and everything and everywhere else I've been, but I just can't. So what does this have to do with anything? Well I'll get to that...
The adventure I planned isn't exactly what ended up happening. Why? Because God's plan always wins. Always.
My plan was to visit my brother and his family in San Antonio for like a day. Head to Dallas to see my mom's family and spend the night. Visit my dad's family in the morning, very briefly, and head home. All to get done by July 4th.
Wellllllll, my first week in Baton Rouge, my air conditioner stopped working. Luckily my brother is a mechanic! He said he could fix it in no time. He also unexpectedly invited me to spend 4th of July weekend with them and head out Monday. Which was fantastic since I've never been very close to him, although I'd like to be. Of course then, the part he needed didn't come in until Thursday, which meant I left the Friday after the 4th of July. I spent just enough time in SA for God to remind me that there were people that I used to be close to (where I mostly grew up) in Kemp, TX and that it would be good for me to visit them as well. Although I had thought of them several times, I was never proactive about it, until then for some reason. My best friend back when I was 10 was Tabitha and there was a couple at church that I had always been close to who are the Pattersons. When I called Tabitha looking for the Pattersons number, she was able to help right away, and I gave them a call. To my surprise, they remembered me and offered for me to stay with them. Since I had been so close to them before, it only made sense for me to stay with them then. My detoured plan had at that point changed to visit Tabitha when I get to Kemp, stay with the Pattersons, visit my dad's family Saturday morning, stop by my mom's family on my way out of Texas and get home. But I had it wrong again. I was so anxious to see the couple that had left such an impression, I drove straight there and we chatted the entire night away. They offered me "my bedroom" yet another night and I agreed it was probably best to ensure so that I make all my necessary stops.
So I got back to Arkansas Sunday night and my life completely changed. But I'm getting to that. At that point, it was like I was a completely different person. I'm still not exactly the same and it actually worries me to think that I may never be the same. I had planned on visiting my friend Bekah in KS as a surprise for her birthday, but I wasn't even sure if I could muster the energy to do that. And I reeeeally like her. I figured getting away again would be my best option to regain sanity, and it was. And now I'm at my house. Until this weekend when I'll be able to leave again for OKC. You see, as much as I have loved being here in the past, I have no desire to spend more time here than I have to....so I guess I can go back and fill you in on the necessary details of this adventure.
I'll go into more detail about how important it was for me to stay with the Patterson's the same weekend I met my family...later. Maybe tomorrow. There's just so much to fill you in on and I don't want to miss the bigger picture. Which was? The fact that I lost my dad.
In case you didn't know, he died when I was 10. That's when I moved to Farmington, AR as a chance to start over, among other ideas I had formed in my 10 year old mind. Despite my fantastic memory for everything, I only realized recently that there's a pretty big chunk of my memory that's just gone. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Not just after he died, but months before then too. When I went to visit my dad's family, it was never my intention to really think about him. Strange, I know, but it wasn't. I actually didn't even really think about him when I was trying to decide whether or not to see them either. I really didn't think about him much at all. I went there out of respect for my family, the whole institution of family, and to try and fill this hole in my life. I left furious.
First of all, I hadn't been anticipating the thought of my father and the whole weekend was not only filled, but overwhelmingly flowing with his legacy. I got to my family's house and it was all I could think about. Because I was so young when it happened, and because of circumstances at home, I've never had to think about him since the day I moved away. Not really think about him at least. And that weekend? All these people were telling me about how awesome he was. Videos, pictures, conversation...they all pointed to the same thing. He rocked. So why was I mad? Because he was taken from me. I am never going to actually get to know the man they were talking about. Never. I left feeling like I had just lost him all over again and my heart was just broken. On top of that, I was mad that I had been kept from his family for half of my life. Half. Gone. Forever.
I tried to stay composed as I visited my mom's family, not wanting to give them any idea's as to where I had been, I can't let my mom find out from anyone besides me. And then I went to visit Tabitha, which was where I learned that at some point when I was 10, my memory shut down. Not only did it shut down, it had formed fake memories for the lack of what I could remember. What can I remember? Oh yeah, nothing. Besides 2 memories I wish I could erase, which I'll also tell you some other time.
At that point, what I wanted were familiar arms. I wanted my dad to be able to hold me like when I was little so that I could just cry. I wished that my mom were speaking to me so that she could just hold me. But I was alone. And the thing is I can think of plenty of people that would have been there for me. That would have answered my call. That would have given me a shoulder to cry on, a place to crash, a hand to hold, but at that point no one could make it better. Not my friends. Not my family. Not my sister. And not God.
I thought my 5 hour drive home Sunday would give me a chance to think and take it all in. A chance to change my mind about the events that had just happened, but honestly they're a blurr. It only got worse when I got back to my house. Remember how my mom is mad? I came home to not only an empty house, and a 4 page letter but things had started to be packed away. My house will stay empty for the remainder of the summer, besides me. My mom decided it would be best if she stayed away. The packing? I'm not sure, and I can't really ask the one responsible. The letter? Well it destroyed the little sanity I was holding onto. In case I was planning on bouncing back from the shambles the weekend had already left me in, the letter made sure I couldn't.
So the title of my post? Well that's where I am right now. Right in the middle of a disaster zone. It was like the past few months I was able to pick myself up and build my life together with God. It wasn't perfect, but I liked it. I liked where God and I had gotten. And then God dropped a wrecking ball through my life while I was painting the inside. I wasn't expecting it. I never saw it coming. And it happened so fast I ended up under all the rubble. I was so shocked when it was all over, I didn't even think I could get out of it. Nor did I really want to. I think I was exhausted and figured it'd be easier to stay there and play dead then to even try and get up.
But God? Well He didn't give up.
The 2 days I was in Farmington before I left for Wichita are also a blurr now. I didn't get much accomplished and I didn't have the motivation to really get anything accomplished. I didn't talk to anyone or respond to anyone's calls or texts until I had already left again for Wichita, KS. Rebekah Lewis? Well she saved me. She just doesn't know it. You see we grew up going to church camp together and around the same time in High School we kinda grew away from church but stuck to camp. Nevertheless, we always had a serious conversation about everything every year. This time, I told her everything, but I couldn't choke out actual words saying that I basically hated God for ruining my life. Why? Well probably because it wasn't true. But I think that in not being able to admit that to one person I knew I could always tell everything to, I was able to realize wasn't true. Besides that, Bekah has this amazing personality that brings out the most laughter. I laugh so hard, it's silent. A problem most people don't know I have, and even I forget, but God so kindly reminded me. There's God.
The second sign God sent to tell me it was time to get up and get over it was a FB message sent from a girl who reads my blog, whom I've met once, and was roommates with a girl I was kinda friends with freshman year. Weird how He works huh? She sent me a message as a response to my Adventureland post. Remember when I said I wanted to do more? And then my life really sucked? And then I was ready to give up on God but He's cool enough to show me that He's still working? Exactly. God knows exactly what to do to draw me back in. He threw in the element surprise. He chose the most random friend of a friend to tell me that she felt like God was telling her to message me. I cried. There's God.
And finally, yesterday night, Monday, our last night in Wichita, we decided to go to the Keeper of the Plains. I had already been, but had missed the fire that happens at 9 and we almost missed it, and didn't think we'd make it in time and almost decided not to go, but we did. And as my friends walked up they were approached by a fairly large, balding man with a microphone asking if they'd answer a few questions. Hesitant, they volunteered me. Me? I love any chance to get in front of a camera. He explained he was putting together a documentary and would just ask me a few questions. My thoughts? It would be about the Keeper of the Plains or Wichita or Kansas....The documentary? About God. He proceeded to ask me questions about Heaven and Hell and what I believe and why and where I thought I was going and why and a whole bunch of on the spot questions I wasn't prepared for. Romans 10:9 had been a verse that popped up on my phone that morning and the man with the microphone had again restated it and asked for my thoughts. I wasn't prepared for those questions, but I'd say God was. I don't entirely remember everything I answered, but I do remember him being surprised and telling me I was wise, and I almost immediately thanked God for the journey that we had been on. Looking back, everything about the situation and the pressure and knowing the only thing that's been on my mind lately, tells me that I should have told that man exactly how I thought I felt about God. But being angry and upset, was only how I thought I felt. It was how I had twisted my emotions to be bad feelings, when honestly, I don't think my real feelings for God ever changed. Apparently this short film will be on YouTube...we'll see. There's God.
You know the best thing about God? Despite the fact I was ready to give up on our relationship, He wasn't. Which is part of what has made life so hard for me lately. I have so much anger and bitterness and resentment, none of which I want to have, especially not towards Him, and yet here He is blessing me anyways?! Holding my hand. Leading me. I have been so confused because I know what's right, and it's obvious to me that He's still around and here I am trying to get rid of Him almost, and being super mad, and He won't give up! I couldn't see it before, but today I'm thankful for it. I'm thankful that yet again He's proven that our relationship is not only 2 sided, but even when I give up and want to call it quits, He won't. He was there the entire time. Constantly and continuously blessing me, even though I didn't want to see it.
The other interesting, yet somewhat angering concept in this mess is the fact that I know that all things serve a purpse. I can't see what that is right now, especially since I'm still mostly upset about everything, but I know that for whatever reason, that God shouldn't have to explain to me, I need to be really broken right now. I need to really let go of everything so that something better can come along and I can be entirely focused on how I use it to better serve God.
What I decided is that God didn't drop a wrecking ball on my life. He may have very well let it happen, but the fact that it tore me apart means that it wasn't very sturdy to begin with. The important thing? The foundation is still there. And now that I can see how God blessed me with this huge family, and wonderful friends, I know that the new life I start to build will be even better. I have to start by clearing away the mess from before, which will be hard and painful, but it'll only work when it's all gone.
What I've learned is that I have a great deal of learning to do. Maybe that's why I need to talk to more people. Maybe that's why I felt like I should be doing more. Maybe it was never about me helping but more about how mutualistic journey's to God can be. Maybe that's why I started to blog. Who knows.
When I took a closer look not too long ago I prayed that I would have faith like Job's so that I could lose everything and everyone I love and still say "Blessed be the name of the Lord." In my situation, nothing was permanently taken away from me. I was greatly blessed to have reconnected with so many wonderful people and yet I was so ready to close up shop because it hurt too bad to remember. I guess Satan knows that sometimes you don't have to take everything away to hurt someone. Crazy how sneaky he is, huh? Needless to say, it's something to work on. I mean my defense mechanism. Maybe that's where you come in.
Something else to work on? Getting my personality back. I'm not sure where it went. The glimpse I had has come and gone as quickly as my trip to Wichita. I'm sure it will take time to be myself 100% of the time, so until then, bear with me. That's in the Bible too ya know.
And the final thought I wan to leave you with, is a sentence from the beginning: when I said that God had come through on everything He had been promising from the very beginning. Well remember when I was dying to go to South Carolina and I kept having to tell myself God must really want me in Baton Rouge? I think what He was actually saying is that I couldn't be somewhere far away for the whole summer because then I'd never go on my grand adventure. I'm not sure if I served a higher purpose in Baton Rouge, but I can't look at the disaster of a life I have now and not say that it has to be serving a high purpose at some point down the line. I refuse to believe that this has been for nothing. It was never about not getting what I wanted, it was about getting what I needed. God is my Father. He always has been and He's always treated me as such. I'm starting to see His fatherly tendancies. I hope to start appreciating them more and more and seeing them more as well.
As always. I love you
The last you heard from me was about this grand adventure I was going on. And I did. I went into this adventure like road trip thinking of it as a vacation on my own. I could travel wherever, visit whomever, and stay for however long I wanted. And I did. I thought it would be like anything else I plan last minute. I trusted that God would lead me and I prayed for safety when I headed off again. And He came through. On everything He ever promised me. Everything from the very beginning.
I think that in order to understand it, I'll tell you the story and then tell you where God was and is, and then tell you where that leaves me.
My mom and I have rarely seen eye to eye on anything since I discovered I had an opinion. Our relationship is a journey and story and a blog post of it's own. For this post, all you need to know is that we stopped speaking at the beginning of the June. The reasons are even unsure to me. I don't want to be unfair or give anyone the wrong information and say that it was all her fault, when it could have easily been mine as well. Either way, we still stopped speaking to each other.
At first I just laughed when I realized she wasn't answering my calls or responding to my voicemails, because it seemed so childish, at some point it turned into frustration, which lead to anger, and finally apathy. I hate to say that I was apathetic towards her, it's just that I had been earnestly trying to communicate my point and from my point of view, I was the victim. I'd say God spoke to me several times since we've stopped speaking and the ultimate lesson I'm trying to learn from this situation is tolerance. Which doesn't seem like the nicest word to use, but it's the one that I heard in the lesson last Sunday morning. I love her a great deal through all this, and I realize now that all I can do is keep trying and pray that this will fade. But that doesn't seem like enough.
Remember when I was thinking about visiting my dad's family? Remember how badly I wanted to tell my mom before hand? I wanted to include her. It wasn't ever supposed to be her decision, but I did want her support. While I may never have gotten that, I wanted her to know the truth and I wanted her to hear it from me. Since the topic is a little too big to leave on a voicemail, she still doesn't know. And I hate that I feel like I'm keeping it from her, because I absolutely plan on telling her this and everything and everywhere else I've been, but I just can't. So what does this have to do with anything? Well I'll get to that...
The adventure I planned isn't exactly what ended up happening. Why? Because God's plan always wins. Always.
My plan was to visit my brother and his family in San Antonio for like a day. Head to Dallas to see my mom's family and spend the night. Visit my dad's family in the morning, very briefly, and head home. All to get done by July 4th.
Wellllllll, my first week in Baton Rouge, my air conditioner stopped working. Luckily my brother is a mechanic! He said he could fix it in no time. He also unexpectedly invited me to spend 4th of July weekend with them and head out Monday. Which was fantastic since I've never been very close to him, although I'd like to be. Of course then, the part he needed didn't come in until Thursday, which meant I left the Friday after the 4th of July. I spent just enough time in SA for God to remind me that there were people that I used to be close to (where I mostly grew up) in Kemp, TX and that it would be good for me to visit them as well. Although I had thought of them several times, I was never proactive about it, until then for some reason. My best friend back when I was 10 was Tabitha and there was a couple at church that I had always been close to who are the Pattersons. When I called Tabitha looking for the Pattersons number, she was able to help right away, and I gave them a call. To my surprise, they remembered me and offered for me to stay with them. Since I had been so close to them before, it only made sense for me to stay with them then. My detoured plan had at that point changed to visit Tabitha when I get to Kemp, stay with the Pattersons, visit my dad's family Saturday morning, stop by my mom's family on my way out of Texas and get home. But I had it wrong again. I was so anxious to see the couple that had left such an impression, I drove straight there and we chatted the entire night away. They offered me "my bedroom" yet another night and I agreed it was probably best to ensure so that I make all my necessary stops.
So I got back to Arkansas Sunday night and my life completely changed. But I'm getting to that. At that point, it was like I was a completely different person. I'm still not exactly the same and it actually worries me to think that I may never be the same. I had planned on visiting my friend Bekah in KS as a surprise for her birthday, but I wasn't even sure if I could muster the energy to do that. And I reeeeally like her. I figured getting away again would be my best option to regain sanity, and it was. And now I'm at my house. Until this weekend when I'll be able to leave again for OKC. You see, as much as I have loved being here in the past, I have no desire to spend more time here than I have to....so I guess I can go back and fill you in on the necessary details of this adventure.
I'll go into more detail about how important it was for me to stay with the Patterson's the same weekend I met my family...later. Maybe tomorrow. There's just so much to fill you in on and I don't want to miss the bigger picture. Which was? The fact that I lost my dad.
In case you didn't know, he died when I was 10. That's when I moved to Farmington, AR as a chance to start over, among other ideas I had formed in my 10 year old mind. Despite my fantastic memory for everything, I only realized recently that there's a pretty big chunk of my memory that's just gone. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Not just after he died, but months before then too. When I went to visit my dad's family, it was never my intention to really think about him. Strange, I know, but it wasn't. I actually didn't even really think about him when I was trying to decide whether or not to see them either. I really didn't think about him much at all. I went there out of respect for my family, the whole institution of family, and to try and fill this hole in my life. I left furious.
First of all, I hadn't been anticipating the thought of my father and the whole weekend was not only filled, but overwhelmingly flowing with his legacy. I got to my family's house and it was all I could think about. Because I was so young when it happened, and because of circumstances at home, I've never had to think about him since the day I moved away. Not really think about him at least. And that weekend? All these people were telling me about how awesome he was. Videos, pictures, conversation...they all pointed to the same thing. He rocked. So why was I mad? Because he was taken from me. I am never going to actually get to know the man they were talking about. Never. I left feeling like I had just lost him all over again and my heart was just broken. On top of that, I was mad that I had been kept from his family for half of my life. Half. Gone. Forever.
I tried to stay composed as I visited my mom's family, not wanting to give them any idea's as to where I had been, I can't let my mom find out from anyone besides me. And then I went to visit Tabitha, which was where I learned that at some point when I was 10, my memory shut down. Not only did it shut down, it had formed fake memories for the lack of what I could remember. What can I remember? Oh yeah, nothing. Besides 2 memories I wish I could erase, which I'll also tell you some other time.
At that point, what I wanted were familiar arms. I wanted my dad to be able to hold me like when I was little so that I could just cry. I wished that my mom were speaking to me so that she could just hold me. But I was alone. And the thing is I can think of plenty of people that would have been there for me. That would have answered my call. That would have given me a shoulder to cry on, a place to crash, a hand to hold, but at that point no one could make it better. Not my friends. Not my family. Not my sister. And not God.
I thought my 5 hour drive home Sunday would give me a chance to think and take it all in. A chance to change my mind about the events that had just happened, but honestly they're a blurr. It only got worse when I got back to my house. Remember how my mom is mad? I came home to not only an empty house, and a 4 page letter but things had started to be packed away. My house will stay empty for the remainder of the summer, besides me. My mom decided it would be best if she stayed away. The packing? I'm not sure, and I can't really ask the one responsible. The letter? Well it destroyed the little sanity I was holding onto. In case I was planning on bouncing back from the shambles the weekend had already left me in, the letter made sure I couldn't.
So the title of my post? Well that's where I am right now. Right in the middle of a disaster zone. It was like the past few months I was able to pick myself up and build my life together with God. It wasn't perfect, but I liked it. I liked where God and I had gotten. And then God dropped a wrecking ball through my life while I was painting the inside. I wasn't expecting it. I never saw it coming. And it happened so fast I ended up under all the rubble. I was so shocked when it was all over, I didn't even think I could get out of it. Nor did I really want to. I think I was exhausted and figured it'd be easier to stay there and play dead then to even try and get up.
But God? Well He didn't give up.
The 2 days I was in Farmington before I left for Wichita are also a blurr now. I didn't get much accomplished and I didn't have the motivation to really get anything accomplished. I didn't talk to anyone or respond to anyone's calls or texts until I had already left again for Wichita, KS. Rebekah Lewis? Well she saved me. She just doesn't know it. You see we grew up going to church camp together and around the same time in High School we kinda grew away from church but stuck to camp. Nevertheless, we always had a serious conversation about everything every year. This time, I told her everything, but I couldn't choke out actual words saying that I basically hated God for ruining my life. Why? Well probably because it wasn't true. But I think that in not being able to admit that to one person I knew I could always tell everything to, I was able to realize wasn't true. Besides that, Bekah has this amazing personality that brings out the most laughter. I laugh so hard, it's silent. A problem most people don't know I have, and even I forget, but God so kindly reminded me. There's God.
The second sign God sent to tell me it was time to get up and get over it was a FB message sent from a girl who reads my blog, whom I've met once, and was roommates with a girl I was kinda friends with freshman year. Weird how He works huh? She sent me a message as a response to my Adventureland post. Remember when I said I wanted to do more? And then my life really sucked? And then I was ready to give up on God but He's cool enough to show me that He's still working? Exactly. God knows exactly what to do to draw me back in. He threw in the element surprise. He chose the most random friend of a friend to tell me that she felt like God was telling her to message me. I cried. There's God.
And finally, yesterday night, Monday, our last night in Wichita, we decided to go to the Keeper of the Plains. I had already been, but had missed the fire that happens at 9 and we almost missed it, and didn't think we'd make it in time and almost decided not to go, but we did. And as my friends walked up they were approached by a fairly large, balding man with a microphone asking if they'd answer a few questions. Hesitant, they volunteered me. Me? I love any chance to get in front of a camera. He explained he was putting together a documentary and would just ask me a few questions. My thoughts? It would be about the Keeper of the Plains or Wichita or Kansas....The documentary? About God. He proceeded to ask me questions about Heaven and Hell and what I believe and why and where I thought I was going and why and a whole bunch of on the spot questions I wasn't prepared for. Romans 10:9 had been a verse that popped up on my phone that morning and the man with the microphone had again restated it and asked for my thoughts. I wasn't prepared for those questions, but I'd say God was. I don't entirely remember everything I answered, but I do remember him being surprised and telling me I was wise, and I almost immediately thanked God for the journey that we had been on. Looking back, everything about the situation and the pressure and knowing the only thing that's been on my mind lately, tells me that I should have told that man exactly how I thought I felt about God. But being angry and upset, was only how I thought I felt. It was how I had twisted my emotions to be bad feelings, when honestly, I don't think my real feelings for God ever changed. Apparently this short film will be on YouTube...we'll see. There's God.
You know the best thing about God? Despite the fact I was ready to give up on our relationship, He wasn't. Which is part of what has made life so hard for me lately. I have so much anger and bitterness and resentment, none of which I want to have, especially not towards Him, and yet here He is blessing me anyways?! Holding my hand. Leading me. I have been so confused because I know what's right, and it's obvious to me that He's still around and here I am trying to get rid of Him almost, and being super mad, and He won't give up! I couldn't see it before, but today I'm thankful for it. I'm thankful that yet again He's proven that our relationship is not only 2 sided, but even when I give up and want to call it quits, He won't. He was there the entire time. Constantly and continuously blessing me, even though I didn't want to see it.
The other interesting, yet somewhat angering concept in this mess is the fact that I know that all things serve a purpse. I can't see what that is right now, especially since I'm still mostly upset about everything, but I know that for whatever reason, that God shouldn't have to explain to me, I need to be really broken right now. I need to really let go of everything so that something better can come along and I can be entirely focused on how I use it to better serve God.
What I decided is that God didn't drop a wrecking ball on my life. He may have very well let it happen, but the fact that it tore me apart means that it wasn't very sturdy to begin with. The important thing? The foundation is still there. And now that I can see how God blessed me with this huge family, and wonderful friends, I know that the new life I start to build will be even better. I have to start by clearing away the mess from before, which will be hard and painful, but it'll only work when it's all gone.
What I've learned is that I have a great deal of learning to do. Maybe that's why I need to talk to more people. Maybe that's why I felt like I should be doing more. Maybe it was never about me helping but more about how mutualistic journey's to God can be. Maybe that's why I started to blog. Who knows.
When I took a closer look not too long ago I prayed that I would have faith like Job's so that I could lose everything and everyone I love and still say "Blessed be the name of the Lord." In my situation, nothing was permanently taken away from me. I was greatly blessed to have reconnected with so many wonderful people and yet I was so ready to close up shop because it hurt too bad to remember. I guess Satan knows that sometimes you don't have to take everything away to hurt someone. Crazy how sneaky he is, huh? Needless to say, it's something to work on. I mean my defense mechanism. Maybe that's where you come in.
Something else to work on? Getting my personality back. I'm not sure where it went. The glimpse I had has come and gone as quickly as my trip to Wichita. I'm sure it will take time to be myself 100% of the time, so until then, bear with me. That's in the Bible too ya know.
And the final thought I wan to leave you with, is a sentence from the beginning: when I said that God had come through on everything He had been promising from the very beginning. Well remember when I was dying to go to South Carolina and I kept having to tell myself God must really want me in Baton Rouge? I think what He was actually saying is that I couldn't be somewhere far away for the whole summer because then I'd never go on my grand adventure. I'm not sure if I served a higher purpose in Baton Rouge, but I can't look at the disaster of a life I have now and not say that it has to be serving a high purpose at some point down the line. I refuse to believe that this has been for nothing. It was never about not getting what I wanted, it was about getting what I needed. God is my Father. He always has been and He's always treated me as such. I'm starting to see His fatherly tendancies. I hope to start appreciating them more and more and seeing them more as well.
As always. I love you
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Adventureland
Bonjour ami! Just a few more days left of my Baton Rouge adventure. I can't believe it's almost over! I'm not sure why I was ever so scared now :)) This has been a great experience and I've really learned a lot! As far as graduate school, research, and most importantly God. The best part? My adventure isn't over yet! I'm spending the next week driving through Texas to visit family and friends! Which leads me to an important lesson I think God has been trying to teach me...
It started last week. I got a little (or very) dramatic with my last post and I didn't ever really get to tell you what I learned at church. I remember listening to the preacher last week and thinking that what he was saying was really important, but being so focused on the fact that it was Father's day, the pity party I was planning was the only thing I told you about. I officially know that God was in fact trying to tell me something more important because He told me again today. Luckily, today I was less focused on myself and more focused on church. Hmm, I guess life works better, and I listen to God better when I focus more on Him and less on me. Just a thought
So what is this incredible message that God's telling me? Well it comes from the book of James 1! And before I start yapping, I'll start with a relevant story! The preacher used it last week, and I think it helps to make sense of the situation. Let's say you wanted season tickets to see your favorite football/baseball/basketball/soccer whatever team...but they were either too expensive or all out. Now let's say that someone you don't know very well called you and offered you season tickets to this sporting event. They said that all you had to do if you really wanted them was stop by and pick them up. Free of charge. That's it! Easy peasy lemon squeezy, right?! It wouldn't be a hard decision at all to get in the car and go pick them up! Well that's a lot like God. He's offering more than we could ever want, or ask for and all we have to do is pick it up! Problem? Sometimes, it takes a lot more to get into that car. The doing something part is hard. For everyone, I think.
This morning at church there was a similar lesson presented. Today was geared towards the importance of leading children and he tied in leading the children of Israel is Deuteronomy. The preacher talked about how kids learn by example. Last week, the preacher gave a statistic saying that if the mother is a consistent church goer then there's a 15-20% chance that the child will be to and for the father to be a consistent church goer the percentage goes up to 70-90% chances. Sure, the percentage goes up a lot for father's but the important thing is that it makes a difference.
So you may be wondering what exactly James 1:22, well here it goes! "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." Starting in 19 all the way to 27 is awesome, but this was the important clip. Last week I learned about how dad's teach this kind of stuff to their kids and this week, I learned about how important it is to teach this kind of stuff to not only kids, but everyone.
One of the notes I took said that the best way to do this sharing is to speak from experience. Nothing is more of an impact than telling something what has earnestly happened. For kids, they are a lot more likely to keep up with stuff that means a lot to their parents. If nothing else, they remember the stories that were told to them about how God has impacted the immediate people in their lives.
The rest of the lesson was mostly about the importance of obedience and the word obey.
Obey (v)- To comply with or follow the commands, restrictions, wishes, or instructions of; to respond conformably in action to; to submit or conform to in action.
As much as I learned this morning, the definition only clarifies it that much more! In Deuteronomy 6:3 Moses says "Here, O Israel, and be careful to obey so that it may go well with you and that you may increase greatly in a land flowing with milk and honey, just as the Lord, the God of your fathers, promised you." So, in order to get what was promised, I must obey. And from the definition of obey, I must act. And if that isn't reason enough, James said that I need to be a doer and not just a hearer. If I don't act on the things I read and learn and hear, then it's like looking at my reflection in a mirror, only to walk away and forget what I looked like, James 1:23.
The preacher said this morning that a lot of times in the Bible and in different translations of it the words 'walk' and 'live' are interchanged. So when a scripture says to walk in the light, it's the same as needing to live in the light. It makes a lot of sense because being a Christian and being Christ like are a lifestyle, not just a part time job. Being doers should be second nature. I learned that the willingness to obey comes from a love of God that we have. Which also makes a lot of sense. I talk about true love and agape and only wanting what's best and helping that other person, well being a doer and sharing my faith is one of those investments into a good relationship with God. I learned that obeying His will, is an expression of faith in God's faithfullness to us. Which also makes a lot of sense because He has promised us these season tickets in the sky, but we need to do something about it, like get in the car, or else we'll never get to them.
I don't want to be "decieving myself," or decieving you and I know I can't decieve God, so I want to do more. I think that God is calling me to do more. Why else would He have reminded me of the bigger picture I was supposed to get last week? You see, I decided to try something new. When something happens, anything...good or bad or just a happening...look at it and think about what God may be trying to tell you. I've always had this problem where I pray but I don't listen. I don't listen because I think I was always literally expecting God to appear and just let me know what was up. In believing in God, I know that there are no coincidences, just opportunities. It's important to take these opportunities and find what God wants us to do in whatever situation He presents us with. This is what I think God wants me to do. I'm not entirely sure how, but I think I've got a few ideas...
So what does this have to do with adventuring? Well not knowing what's going on all the time is an adventure. Therefore, life is an adventure. I want to make the most of this adventure by doing and not just hearing. I want to be a better servant. Regan and I were talking not too long ago about starting devos and gearing them towards a more college age level. I said I would pray about it, and he joked and said something like, yeah like God would turn that idea down, lol. So yeah, when I get home, that's something I want to start. Something else I was thinking about...making things more personal. If you want to hang out and talk about God, just let me know. If you're going through something and just need someone to listen to you, please don't hesitate to ask. I don't have all the answers, but I know that the big guy in the sky certainly does.
I think this is really forward. I hope this is what God had in mind. I'm not perfect and I certainly won't claim to be, but if I can help you in avoid mistakes I've made, or if I can listen to you, or if I can pray with you, or if I can even just pray for you, or if you'd be interested is starting weekly, or biweekly or monthly Bible studies, please please let me know. I want to take my relationship with God to a whole new level. And I want to take you with me :)) If life is an adventure, then I know I could use a few extra hands getting through the tough stuff and maybe you could too.
I love you! And thank you for reading. And thank you for being part of my adventure. I'll be home in just over a week, so plan accordingly to fit me into your schedule :)) Oh yeah, and the last thing is this little saying that the preacher said this morning that I wrote and found helpful:
"As I walk and as I talk, rest, and as I stop and I start I'll bring it all back to You"
Just a helpful reminder of 5 areas of life that we could attempt to bring God into. Which is everything about everyday, but the more we do it, the easier it'll become. Like riding a bike :))
Au revoir!
It started last week. I got a little (or very) dramatic with my last post and I didn't ever really get to tell you what I learned at church. I remember listening to the preacher last week and thinking that what he was saying was really important, but being so focused on the fact that it was Father's day, the pity party I was planning was the only thing I told you about. I officially know that God was in fact trying to tell me something more important because He told me again today. Luckily, today I was less focused on myself and more focused on church. Hmm, I guess life works better, and I listen to God better when I focus more on Him and less on me. Just a thought
So what is this incredible message that God's telling me? Well it comes from the book of James 1! And before I start yapping, I'll start with a relevant story! The preacher used it last week, and I think it helps to make sense of the situation. Let's say you wanted season tickets to see your favorite football/baseball/basketball/soccer whatever team...but they were either too expensive or all out. Now let's say that someone you don't know very well called you and offered you season tickets to this sporting event. They said that all you had to do if you really wanted them was stop by and pick them up. Free of charge. That's it! Easy peasy lemon squeezy, right?! It wouldn't be a hard decision at all to get in the car and go pick them up! Well that's a lot like God. He's offering more than we could ever want, or ask for and all we have to do is pick it up! Problem? Sometimes, it takes a lot more to get into that car. The doing something part is hard. For everyone, I think.
This morning at church there was a similar lesson presented. Today was geared towards the importance of leading children and he tied in leading the children of Israel is Deuteronomy. The preacher talked about how kids learn by example. Last week, the preacher gave a statistic saying that if the mother is a consistent church goer then there's a 15-20% chance that the child will be to and for the father to be a consistent church goer the percentage goes up to 70-90% chances. Sure, the percentage goes up a lot for father's but the important thing is that it makes a difference.
So you may be wondering what exactly James 1:22, well here it goes! "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." Starting in 19 all the way to 27 is awesome, but this was the important clip. Last week I learned about how dad's teach this kind of stuff to their kids and this week, I learned about how important it is to teach this kind of stuff to not only kids, but everyone.
One of the notes I took said that the best way to do this sharing is to speak from experience. Nothing is more of an impact than telling something what has earnestly happened. For kids, they are a lot more likely to keep up with stuff that means a lot to their parents. If nothing else, they remember the stories that were told to them about how God has impacted the immediate people in their lives.
The rest of the lesson was mostly about the importance of obedience and the word obey.
Obey (v)- To comply with or follow the commands, restrictions, wishes, or instructions of; to respond conformably in action to; to submit or conform to in action.
As much as I learned this morning, the definition only clarifies it that much more! In Deuteronomy 6:3 Moses says "Here, O Israel, and be careful to obey so that it may go well with you and that you may increase greatly in a land flowing with milk and honey, just as the Lord, the God of your fathers, promised you." So, in order to get what was promised, I must obey. And from the definition of obey, I must act. And if that isn't reason enough, James said that I need to be a doer and not just a hearer. If I don't act on the things I read and learn and hear, then it's like looking at my reflection in a mirror, only to walk away and forget what I looked like, James 1:23.
The preacher said this morning that a lot of times in the Bible and in different translations of it the words 'walk' and 'live' are interchanged. So when a scripture says to walk in the light, it's the same as needing to live in the light. It makes a lot of sense because being a Christian and being Christ like are a lifestyle, not just a part time job. Being doers should be second nature. I learned that the willingness to obey comes from a love of God that we have. Which also makes a lot of sense. I talk about true love and agape and only wanting what's best and helping that other person, well being a doer and sharing my faith is one of those investments into a good relationship with God. I learned that obeying His will, is an expression of faith in God's faithfullness to us. Which also makes a lot of sense because He has promised us these season tickets in the sky, but we need to do something about it, like get in the car, or else we'll never get to them.
I don't want to be "decieving myself," or decieving you and I know I can't decieve God, so I want to do more. I think that God is calling me to do more. Why else would He have reminded me of the bigger picture I was supposed to get last week? You see, I decided to try something new. When something happens, anything...good or bad or just a happening...look at it and think about what God may be trying to tell you. I've always had this problem where I pray but I don't listen. I don't listen because I think I was always literally expecting God to appear and just let me know what was up. In believing in God, I know that there are no coincidences, just opportunities. It's important to take these opportunities and find what God wants us to do in whatever situation He presents us with. This is what I think God wants me to do. I'm not entirely sure how, but I think I've got a few ideas...
So what does this have to do with adventuring? Well not knowing what's going on all the time is an adventure. Therefore, life is an adventure. I want to make the most of this adventure by doing and not just hearing. I want to be a better servant. Regan and I were talking not too long ago about starting devos and gearing them towards a more college age level. I said I would pray about it, and he joked and said something like, yeah like God would turn that idea down, lol. So yeah, when I get home, that's something I want to start. Something else I was thinking about...making things more personal. If you want to hang out and talk about God, just let me know. If you're going through something and just need someone to listen to you, please don't hesitate to ask. I don't have all the answers, but I know that the big guy in the sky certainly does.
I think this is really forward. I hope this is what God had in mind. I'm not perfect and I certainly won't claim to be, but if I can help you in avoid mistakes I've made, or if I can listen to you, or if I can pray with you, or if I can even just pray for you, or if you'd be interested is starting weekly, or biweekly or monthly Bible studies, please please let me know. I want to take my relationship with God to a whole new level. And I want to take you with me :)) If life is an adventure, then I know I could use a few extra hands getting through the tough stuff and maybe you could too.
I love you! And thank you for reading. And thank you for being part of my adventure. I'll be home in just over a week, so plan accordingly to fit me into your schedule :)) Oh yeah, and the last thing is this little saying that the preacher said this morning that I wrote and found helpful:
"As I walk and as I talk, rest, and as I stop and I start I'll bring it all back to You"
Just a helpful reminder of 5 areas of life that we could attempt to bring God into. Which is everything about everyday, but the more we do it, the easier it'll become. Like riding a bike :))
Au revoir!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Who's your Daddy?
A couple of weeks ago on Gossip Girl, this was the line on the trailer for the following weeks episode and I loved it. I was already going to watch it, but this fact that they threw this line in assured that.
I have so much to say! I'll do my best to cut out the fluff, but you know how talkative I can be...
First, I have a crazy story to tell you. You may not know this, but I started wearing this small silver anklet a couple of months ago. Yeah, I know, "no one wears anklet's anymore, Amanda," but I don't care, I do. I found it in a basket from home and I'm not even sure why it was in that basket because I hadn't thought about it in years. My dad gave it to me. When I saw it, I figured I was ridiculous enough to attempt to bring it back...and if nothing else, maybe it would distract from the scare on my ankle. Occasionally when I run, it gets knocked off, but I usually feel it and can pick it up and put it back on later. Last night, after we had gotten back from shopping, I put on some leggings and after a while I noticed it wasn't there anymore :(( My heart sank a little. I went to my room and checked for it. And then checked in my car and on the sidewalk, but it was gone. I considered crying, but decided not the think about it, and watched Twilight instead :)) I decided to blog about it today and say something along the lines of "I don't need it to remember my dad," because I don't. I think about him a lot. I even started carrying a picture of him and my mom on their first date in my Bible. It was going to be ok. I wasn't losing him again, it's about keeping him in my heart. This morning when I woke up, my leg itched...the kind of itch you get when you leave something on your finger or wrist that's too tight. I changed into church clothes...and there it was...on my ankle like it had never left. And I guess it never did, but surely God had something to do with it
Serena Van der Woodsen (the girl on Gossip Girl) finally had the chance to meet her father this season. He was charming and elite, like the Van der Woodsens, and Serena wanted to see the best in him and believe in him, but he turned out not to be a good guy. Why? Because he wasn't her daddy. Althought Rufus (her mom's husband) hadn't been in there lives for long, he was already the best dad for Serena.
Last Sunday at church there was a young couple at church with a daughter at around 5. The mom was carrying her at first, but after a while, she started getting fidgety and reached out her arms towards her daddy. He took her, of course, and held her until she was ready to be put down. I admired the way he held her and the way her head fit perfectly in the space between his head and shoulder. I was jealous.
When I was 10 my daddy died. Just a month before my 11th birthday. That's almost 11 full years that we spent together. Unfortunately, I don't remember a whole lot about us. I have a handful of sweet memories that I hope I never forget, but there's also a handful of terrible memories that I wish I could replace. Times I misbehaved or wasn't nice or said things I didn't mean. All these things that I wish I could go back and redo. I've been told many times that my dad knew I loved him, but I wish I could have told him, one last time.
Well, it's Father's Day. The one day a year I could probably do without. I hate this yearly, consistent reminder that I don't have one. It used to be a lot harder, for example when I moved to Farmington. If you went to middle school there, then you know about the Watch Dog Dad's program. I remember getting papers about it and just feeling so sad for myself. For months after his death I would have dreams about him, but I could never see his face and then I realized I was forgetting him. I wished for a t-shirt or a bottle of his cologne or anything to remember him. I wished I could feel him rubbing his scratchy beard against my cheeks when he'd kiss me, just one more time, even though I used to push him away when he would.
This morning at church, there was a whole piece on father's, of course. And a part where they prayed for all the father's and despite the girls I was with didn't have there father's there, I don't have one at all. And they were talking about all the important lessons kids learn from there father's and how father's are fixer's and special times that they have with their kids, and me? My dad wasn't there the day I had my first kiss, or the first time my heart was broken. He wasn't there when I graduated from high school and he won't be there when I graduate from college. He won't be there to give someone permisssion to ask me to marry them, or to give me away, or for my kids and I hate feeling sorry for myself, but I know if it was someone else, and not me, I'd feel bad. I hate throwing pity parties that only I attend. One of the lines that stuck with me this morning was that even when we can't fix something, we should always be part of the solution.
So I'd say it's impossible to bring him back. I think it's safe to say that I will never be able to replace him as well. So how can I be part of the solution? Well, I don't know for sure, but I think that focusing on the one person who has always been there, is still always here, and will always be here would be a good start. I can certainly keep my dad in my heart, so that he'll be at these events, but God is constantly proving to me that He's my daddy. He always has my back, is constantly comforting me, and only has the best planned for me. He says, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..." Jeremiah 1:5. "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future," Jeremiah 29:11.
I heard recently that you can't know where you're going unless you know where you're coming from. Deciding to give my life back to God was a pretty change for me. Now I'm in the process of finding what these plans for my future are and furthermore, my identity in God and as a Christian. I can't know where I'm going without knowing entirely where I came from.
After my dad died, I completely lost contact with half of my family. That's half of who I am. That's half of my medical history that I know nothing about. That's my blood, and my DNA and half of my identity. I'm friends with a few of these family members on Facebook, which only peaked my curiosity to the situation. It's been over 9 years since I've seen them and there's so much that I don't know and am completely clueless about. My sister was telling me recently that I should get to know them, they're fantastic people. Again, my own family and I don't even know what kind of people they are.
I was told recently that honoring your father and mother doesn't end when they die. By avoiding my family, not getting to know them or keeping in touch with them, is not honoring my father. Honoring him is keeping him with me and his memory and knowing more about him, his life, and our family. So I've decided to see them in a few weeks before I head home.
I'm terrified. This is all a lot of change for me. It's a whole lot of thinking about stuff I could easily avoid thinking about. I could always wait, but I don't know the next time I'll get a chance like this. I'm very scared and I wish I had my dad to comfort me and hold me and wipe away tears, but I do. I have God. He's my daddy. I've been praying about this and I feel like this is the next step to growing up that God wants me to take. And as for my fear, well growing up isn't supposed to be easy. Sometimes dad's have to push their kids to do what's right, even if it's hard. It would be nice to physically have someone sitting there, holding my hand as I reconnected with half of my life, but if I've learned anything the past few months, it's that God knows my every thought. And usually, before I ever ask, He gives me an answer and comforts me.
It's a sticky situation. They haven't even agreed to see me yet, nevertheless, it's what I want, eventually. Whenever they're ready. I was scared about coming to Baton Rouge, and now I can't imagine spending my summer anywhere else. I know I'll feel the same for this.
Honor (n)- honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's belief's and actions; high merit, as for worth, merit, or rank; such respect manifested.
Used in a sentence: My father's family deserves the same honor that he did.
According to urbandictionary.com:
Daddy (n)- The word daddy is not defined by wether or not a man has a biological child. You can never produce a child and be a daddy, likewise you can have 20 kids and never be a daddy. A daddy is a man who cares for a child's both physical and emotional needs. He puts the child's wants and needs ahead of his own. A true daddy is hard to come by, and a truely special thing.
Used in a sentence: God is my father, but he's also my daddy.
Urban dicionary isn't usually a site I refer to, but I knew it'd have something slightly ridiculous yet very appropriate for God. I suppose I got very personal with you today. I'm sorry if it crossed any boundaries for our poster/reader relationship. A piece of advice, don't wait for Father's Day or Mother's Day to celebrate your parents. Spend time with them and always let them know how much you appreciate everything they do. I'll take my own advice as well :))
I'll be home in about two weeks! I'm sure you miss me very much :)) Have a fantastic Father's Day! And week. I love you! Au revoir
I have so much to say! I'll do my best to cut out the fluff, but you know how talkative I can be...
First, I have a crazy story to tell you. You may not know this, but I started wearing this small silver anklet a couple of months ago. Yeah, I know, "no one wears anklet's anymore, Amanda," but I don't care, I do. I found it in a basket from home and I'm not even sure why it was in that basket because I hadn't thought about it in years. My dad gave it to me. When I saw it, I figured I was ridiculous enough to attempt to bring it back...and if nothing else, maybe it would distract from the scare on my ankle. Occasionally when I run, it gets knocked off, but I usually feel it and can pick it up and put it back on later. Last night, after we had gotten back from shopping, I put on some leggings and after a while I noticed it wasn't there anymore :(( My heart sank a little. I went to my room and checked for it. And then checked in my car and on the sidewalk, but it was gone. I considered crying, but decided not the think about it, and watched Twilight instead :)) I decided to blog about it today and say something along the lines of "I don't need it to remember my dad," because I don't. I think about him a lot. I even started carrying a picture of him and my mom on their first date in my Bible. It was going to be ok. I wasn't losing him again, it's about keeping him in my heart. This morning when I woke up, my leg itched...the kind of itch you get when you leave something on your finger or wrist that's too tight. I changed into church clothes...and there it was...on my ankle like it had never left. And I guess it never did, but surely God had something to do with it
Serena Van der Woodsen (the girl on Gossip Girl) finally had the chance to meet her father this season. He was charming and elite, like the Van der Woodsens, and Serena wanted to see the best in him and believe in him, but he turned out not to be a good guy. Why? Because he wasn't her daddy. Althought Rufus (her mom's husband) hadn't been in there lives for long, he was already the best dad for Serena.
Last Sunday at church there was a young couple at church with a daughter at around 5. The mom was carrying her at first, but after a while, she started getting fidgety and reached out her arms towards her daddy. He took her, of course, and held her until she was ready to be put down. I admired the way he held her and the way her head fit perfectly in the space between his head and shoulder. I was jealous.
When I was 10 my daddy died. Just a month before my 11th birthday. That's almost 11 full years that we spent together. Unfortunately, I don't remember a whole lot about us. I have a handful of sweet memories that I hope I never forget, but there's also a handful of terrible memories that I wish I could replace. Times I misbehaved or wasn't nice or said things I didn't mean. All these things that I wish I could go back and redo. I've been told many times that my dad knew I loved him, but I wish I could have told him, one last time.
Well, it's Father's Day. The one day a year I could probably do without. I hate this yearly, consistent reminder that I don't have one. It used to be a lot harder, for example when I moved to Farmington. If you went to middle school there, then you know about the Watch Dog Dad's program. I remember getting papers about it and just feeling so sad for myself. For months after his death I would have dreams about him, but I could never see his face and then I realized I was forgetting him. I wished for a t-shirt or a bottle of his cologne or anything to remember him. I wished I could feel him rubbing his scratchy beard against my cheeks when he'd kiss me, just one more time, even though I used to push him away when he would.
This morning at church, there was a whole piece on father's, of course. And a part where they prayed for all the father's and despite the girls I was with didn't have there father's there, I don't have one at all. And they were talking about all the important lessons kids learn from there father's and how father's are fixer's and special times that they have with their kids, and me? My dad wasn't there the day I had my first kiss, or the first time my heart was broken. He wasn't there when I graduated from high school and he won't be there when I graduate from college. He won't be there to give someone permisssion to ask me to marry them, or to give me away, or for my kids and I hate feeling sorry for myself, but I know if it was someone else, and not me, I'd feel bad. I hate throwing pity parties that only I attend. One of the lines that stuck with me this morning was that even when we can't fix something, we should always be part of the solution.
So I'd say it's impossible to bring him back. I think it's safe to say that I will never be able to replace him as well. So how can I be part of the solution? Well, I don't know for sure, but I think that focusing on the one person who has always been there, is still always here, and will always be here would be a good start. I can certainly keep my dad in my heart, so that he'll be at these events, but God is constantly proving to me that He's my daddy. He always has my back, is constantly comforting me, and only has the best planned for me. He says, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..." Jeremiah 1:5. "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future," Jeremiah 29:11.
I heard recently that you can't know where you're going unless you know where you're coming from. Deciding to give my life back to God was a pretty change for me. Now I'm in the process of finding what these plans for my future are and furthermore, my identity in God and as a Christian. I can't know where I'm going without knowing entirely where I came from.
After my dad died, I completely lost contact with half of my family. That's half of who I am. That's half of my medical history that I know nothing about. That's my blood, and my DNA and half of my identity. I'm friends with a few of these family members on Facebook, which only peaked my curiosity to the situation. It's been over 9 years since I've seen them and there's so much that I don't know and am completely clueless about. My sister was telling me recently that I should get to know them, they're fantastic people. Again, my own family and I don't even know what kind of people they are.
I was told recently that honoring your father and mother doesn't end when they die. By avoiding my family, not getting to know them or keeping in touch with them, is not honoring my father. Honoring him is keeping him with me and his memory and knowing more about him, his life, and our family. So I've decided to see them in a few weeks before I head home.
I'm terrified. This is all a lot of change for me. It's a whole lot of thinking about stuff I could easily avoid thinking about. I could always wait, but I don't know the next time I'll get a chance like this. I'm very scared and I wish I had my dad to comfort me and hold me and wipe away tears, but I do. I have God. He's my daddy. I've been praying about this and I feel like this is the next step to growing up that God wants me to take. And as for my fear, well growing up isn't supposed to be easy. Sometimes dad's have to push their kids to do what's right, even if it's hard. It would be nice to physically have someone sitting there, holding my hand as I reconnected with half of my life, but if I've learned anything the past few months, it's that God knows my every thought. And usually, before I ever ask, He gives me an answer and comforts me.
It's a sticky situation. They haven't even agreed to see me yet, nevertheless, it's what I want, eventually. Whenever they're ready. I was scared about coming to Baton Rouge, and now I can't imagine spending my summer anywhere else. I know I'll feel the same for this.
Honor (n)- honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's belief's and actions; high merit, as for worth, merit, or rank; such respect manifested.
Used in a sentence: My father's family deserves the same honor that he did.
According to urbandictionary.com:
Daddy (n)- The word daddy is not defined by wether or not a man has a biological child. You can never produce a child and be a daddy, likewise you can have 20 kids and never be a daddy. A daddy is a man who cares for a child's both physical and emotional needs. He puts the child's wants and needs ahead of his own. A true daddy is hard to come by, and a truely special thing.
Used in a sentence: God is my father, but he's also my daddy.
Urban dicionary isn't usually a site I refer to, but I knew it'd have something slightly ridiculous yet very appropriate for God. I suppose I got very personal with you today. I'm sorry if it crossed any boundaries for our poster/reader relationship. A piece of advice, don't wait for Father's Day or Mother's Day to celebrate your parents. Spend time with them and always let them know how much you appreciate everything they do. I'll take my own advice as well :))
I'll be home in about two weeks! I'm sure you miss me very much :)) Have a fantastic Father's Day! And week. I love you! Au revoir
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