La Dolce Vita

Well hello. To what do I owe this unexpected visit? Good news. Of course.

So I guess I'll start where it all started...

Remember waaaaay back when I wanted to go to Math and Science School? "What?!" You may be asking yourself. Yes. Back to my 10th grade year in high school. Well initially, I wanted to go because it was a good opportunity. I wanted the relationship between me and my mom to get better. I wanted to be "grown up." After I got accepted, all I wanted to do was run. Run away from my mom. Run from an ex-boyfriend. Run from a small town. And I did, and it was great (besides school). As it turns out, I wasn't quite ready to be making "grown up" decisions, and I had to withdraw.

I haven't even tried to run since. Until this summer.

I know I said this at some point in some blog last semester, but just in case you forgot...I had a breakdown last semester. I was working in lab one day and it was nice when I went in, and when I walked out it was pouring. There was also a dead bird outside and all in that instant I felt hopeless about everything: school, life, the weather, Fayetteville, this country...I felt like it was smothering me. I know this is all very dramatic, but when I saw the bird, I lost it. I burst into tears-grabbed some gloves and a box- and took the bird. To bury it of course. Soon after that day, I found out I had gotten into LSU and I applied to South Carolina. It was mostly that I wanted to go somewhere, but there was also that feeling of needing to get away: from first semester, from boys, from my life here, I'm not sure. It doesn't matter, I still felt desperate to leave.

While I was in Baton Rouge, I got a taste of freedom. Real freedom. I'm not sure how to describe it, but I loved it. It wasn't like the first time, the ASMSA time, this was different. Maybe because I prayed for so long before. Maybe because it was all part of His master plan. Maybe because I wanted it to be part of THE plan. I don't know. I may never know, but it was perfect.

The next part of the story, you're mostly familiar with. After everything that happened with my family, I ran again. Anywhere and everywhere I could. As fast as I could. I didn't want to be me. My life had collapsed on itself. And I remember all too well thinking I'd never be the same. I'd never really laugh, or wear headbands, or fully enjoy anything ever again. Which is also very dramatic, but are you really that surprised?

So where is my life now? Well I love it. School is going well. I'm more optimistic than ever. My snob side comes out every now and then, but it's something I'll always have to work on. I have amazing friends. I love my church. My mom isn't speaking to me, but it's something else that I'll always have to work on. My life isn't perfect, but I'm ok with that. And more than everything else, I am constantly reassured of the plan God has for my life.

So before I get into all the news I have, let me give you some verses and another quick story:

"Be very careful, then, how you live-not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." Ephesians 5:15-20

High points: Make the most of every opportunity. Understand what the Lord's will is. Be filled with the Spirit. Always give thanks to God for everything.

"'For I know the plans that I have for you,' says the Lord, 'plans of peace and not of evil, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

High points: Peace. Hope. Future.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

High points: First, it's the verse on the bracelet I wear every day. Second, well, I don't think I could say it better myself.

The last story for today? Well I've been meaning to blog about this since the beginning of the semester when it happened. Because of a lack of time and motivation, I'm just telling you now. So Megs and I collect MCR. Don't know what that is? It's better that you don't. At the beginning of the semester, I walked by like 6. And there they were everyday. Not being used, all I had to do was bend over and pick them up but instead I walked past them everyday. I kept telling myself I'd pick them up Tuesday morning because that's when the recycling usually gets taken out. But Monday night they were gone. The recycling got taken early for whatever reason and I had lost my chance. Lost that opportunity.

I started thinking about how many opportunities I pass up everyday. Not just with God, but in my life in general. Not only do I want to be more like Jesus everyday, I want to be living my life to the fullest. I want to take opportunities that are given to me, because sometimes the recycling gets taken out early and then that chance is gone.

So now for the good news: I've been accepted to study abroad in the spring! I actually found out a few weeks ago, I just didn't know all the details of how I would fund it and how everything else would work out. But now all my papers are in. I'm not registered for any classes here next semester. I'll be moving to Newcastle, Australia sometime in February :))

There's more...every fall and every spring, the college of engineering holds engineering expo. Since my freshman year, I have spoken to the L'Oreal Operations company in hopes that they would one day get back to me. This year, I didn't speak to them really expecting anything but free make-up. And then I got an interview. And then it had been a few weeks, and I found out last week that I'm being offered an intern position for next summer :))

After this, there's no more...I also interviewed a few weeks ago with Eastman Chemical Company. I thought it had gone well, but I hadn't heard back from the man I interviewed with. And then I got the call. They are offering me an opportunity I don't want to miss out on. For next fall. :))

So what does all this mean? Well it looks like I won't be in Fayetteville at all next year. As of right now, all of it is going to work out. One right after another, I'll move to Newcastle, the Little Rock, then Longview. Madness, shear madness! And for the first time, I'm not running from anything at all. I love my life here and I'm just so thankful for the opportunities ahead. I felt blessed by my experience in Baton Rouge and this summer everyday, and there's not a doubt in my mind that God is behind all of this. I know for a fact I'm not capable of this. I know for a fact that He had a plan all along, and in the midst of facing one miserable pixel piece of my life at a time, He saw a much bigger picture. One that included peace and hope for my future.

I'm scared, of course. Not of leaving, but of the first thing that goes wrong. I'm scared I'll know it was all too good to be true. So like other things, I'll pray for strength to praise God for the good and the bad. To be blessed by all my experiences and to remember to be thankful for everything God does. Sure, it's easy to say now. Very easy. The words, like my life right now, are sweet and flow so nice. The real test will come when it's all gone and I try to say, whole heartedly, "the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, the name of the Lord be praised." Job 1:21

The other crazy thing about all this? I wonder where I'd be, what I'd be doing, or what I'd be telling myself if 1: my life hadn't gone topsy turvy last year. 2: God didn't love me (and everyone) as much as He does. 3: my mom and I were still speaking. It's just a thought. There are no coincidences in life. Just a perfect plan with specific intentions by a masterful creator.

I hope you see the wreck my life was, and everything God has done for me because of nothing I did at all. He loves me and He loves you. And trust me, I don't deserve it. Not one bit.

Goodnight. I love you. And of course, God loves you

:))

World Food Day

Hey! I don't have a whole lot to say, mostly because I don't have a whole lot of time. I hope you've been well!

I just wanted to take a second in between things and tell you about World Food Day, which is actually this Saturday on October 16, 2010. First of all, Megs invited me to this presentation for it today and a couple of people spoke and they had a traditional Langar lunch and it was pretty neat but more importantly, very informational.

Second of all, I thought I'd lay down some facts. Some of these were given in the presentation but then I had to look them up because I couldn't remember them exactly:

~In NWA alone there are about 100,000 hungry people.
~1.3 billion people live on less than 1 USD a day.
~There are about 1 billion people who are hungry in the world right now.

~160 million children under the age of 5 are malnourished.

~1 in every 8 children under 12 in the US will go to bed hungry tonight.

~Every 3.6 seconds someone else will die of hunger.

~4 million people will die of hunger this year.

Yikes, right? $1?! How many movies do you go to in a year? Say 1 every month. That's $48 if you went to a $4 movie, but it's $96 if you went to a regular movie. But this isn't a pitch for you to give anyone money. Why? Because I know it's something that everyone struggles with. It's just a thought.

What I really want to tell you comes from the book I read this summer, Red Letters. I know I talk about it a lot, but I guess that's how you know it's good! At the end was this 5 for 50 plan that the author suggested the reader attempt. There are 5 steps and you add on as you go. At some point I will have given them all to you, but for today, there's just one that's important.

So the book is about HIV/Aids in Africa and the plan is 5 steps to help the 50 million people in the world suffering from the disease. So what does that have to do with the hungry? Well what you may not know is that when parents have Aids and can no longer provide for their families (specifically in African countries), the children are the ones who attempt to. Unfortunately, their skills are limited at 10, 11, and 12 years old so many times people with food take advantage of these children and their situations and the kids don't see another way out. They're responsible for their families at such a young age and their dedication should be admired, but instead it's used. For what? One or maybe two meals, but by then they've already been infected with the disease and soon they won't be able to care for anyone, including themselves.

Hunger is what drives this process. Step 2 of the 5 for 50 plan is to fast for 5 hours just once a week. It can be while you're in class or at work, or maybe you could just try it once. Not anything. No food or drinks (besides water). I remember the first time I tried it, and it had only been about 3 hours since I had had breakfast and I was already hungry! It took me a while to really realize the purpose of it. That small grumble in my stomach from not eating in 3 hours is a large pain to those who haven't eaten in 3 days. From that point, I started saying a quick prayer for those who are hungry all around the world and I thank God for how blessed I am.

So how about this: it doesn't matter if you don't finish you're meal at dinner, the truth is, you can't send it to starving children in Africa. It doesn't matter if you can't send money. What do you have to offer? A prayer. Or even a thought for those less fortunate. Don't even fast if you don't want to. Being hungry at some point in your life is bound to happen, and I hope you remember this, and I hope you remember all of them.

I'm sorry to be such a debbie downer. On another note, if you would like to donate to NWA directly, there's the NWAfoodbank.org, and there's not a doubt in my mind they won't appreciate whatever you have to offer.

I love you! Have a wonderful Thursday and super great weekend :))

RoadBlock

Well hello there, fancy seeing you here! Or wait, is it more interesting that you're seeing me here? Unfortunately that's the truth. I haven't blogged in a considerably long time. Why? I'm not exactly sure if I can pinpoint it on just one thing. My theory? Well I'll tell you a little bit about what I think is going on, after I tell you what's been going on recently in my life!

So I'm not sure if I've told you or not yet, but I am going to the most amazing church (for me :). You know how I've gone to a conservative church my whole life? I never thought I'd be comfortable in any other setting. I went to lots of non-conservative churches this summer, that further confirmed that fact that I could not worship in a non-conservative setting. Well that was just a big fat lie I told myself. When school started, I tried out Church at Arkansas on Mission, and I loved it! Truth is, I had gone once before...Freshman year...but I went for the wrong reasons. Yes, a boy. But because of that, I never formed a real opinion about it. Now I went knowing what I was looking for in a church, it was perfect. And week after week, I feel reassured that I'm in the right place. It's nondenominational, and the music is contemporary, but not overwhelming. They also dim the lights during worship to emphasize the importance of it (I think), and I look forward to waking up early on Sunday mornings to go. Will I stay forever? I'm not sure yet. But for right now, I think God led me here and I'm looking forward to getting more involved with it in the next couple of weeks.

In addition to attending a new church, I got a little more involved in the organizations I've been a part of. I love making presentations and talking to groups of people about whatever I can, so it's perfect. I love going to meetings and being involved, and I'm thankful for the opportunity to. One event I'm temporarily involved with is Make a Difference Day. It's October 16th from about 9 to 1 and it's just a service project day. I'm a project leader for the Yvonne Richardson Center: Playground "Beautification" project. I'd love for you to sign up and join me! It's on the volunteer.uark.edu website, but it's not just restricted to university students, so this should be the biggest year yet! There are a lot of other projects going on, so if you're more interested in another project, sign up! I'll understand :))

Remember when I started my blog? I may not have fully explained how all this got to be, part was because I was inspired by a dear friend, but the bigger part is the impact lent had on my life at the time. You'd think giving up something would be easier if you slowly got rid of it, but for me, it was a lot easier giving up something cold turkey, knowing I was doing it for a higher purpose. Now? Well it's 40 Days For Life! Yes, I am pro-life so I'm happy to be part of a national movement of people trying to make a difference about it. You can find out more about it on the Facebook page 40 Days for Life. And if you have any questions about anything I'm doing or a part of, feel free to message me and I'll try and clear things up!

And as for school? Well it's going. My classes aren't too bad this semester, and I'm trying to stay on top of things, which has worked surprisingly well so far. Although I know I owe a big thanks to big man upstairs for helping me stay focused in between all these activities. Megs and I are going to be taking lots of trips in the next month or so. Lots of little celebrations along the way. A concert here and there. Ridiculous outfits, activities, and jumping pictures whenever we can. $4 dollar movies. I still go to the Farmer's Market on Saturday mornings. I attempt to stay positive....

Can you hear it? (my life is normal). I'm scared to say it out loud because as soon as I admit that things are perfect, something is going to fall through. Any second the balloon of my life that I've been blowing up again, is just going to pop and all I'm going to have are pieces of what used to be perfect. Yikes! But that's where I'll start. It's too normal. I'm too happy with life right now.

I keep in constant communication with God throughout my day: thanking Him for little victories, asking for motivation or patience whenever I need. On the other hand...through all the tests and activities and lack of caffeine in my life lately, I haven't been getting up early to just focus on us. I mean God and me. No reason in particular, other than I'm just so tired! It's not that I don't want to, but there isn't anything absolutely pressing in my life right now. We're still close, but I'm starting to feel more independent because I'm not constantly asking Him to just help me make it through another day. I mean, I know God is always there. He's still looking out for me, we're still communicating, but something is different! I think I'm in rut. My relationship with God is in rut, maybe.

It's like in relationships when 2 people have been together for so long they just get comfortable with each other. They stop going on dates or looking nice for each other. They stop trying to get to know each other because they think they know it all. They've lost the spark. And so have I. It's not that I don't love God. It's not that I don't want to do more for Him. It's certainly not that I don't need Him or want Him in my life. I'm just struggling in a completely different way.

I read a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt that says "So much attention is paid to the aggressive sins such as violence and cruelty and greed with all their tragic effects, that too little attention is paid to the passive sins, such as apathy and laziness, which in the long run can have a much more devastating effect." If you didn't know, she's one of my favorite people ever. She has all sorts of the most wonderful quotes, that just make so much sense! This quote is best for situations of giving back and volunteering, but I think this is where I am. I think I've worked so long on the "big" sins in my life or the "big" problems I had, that now my only problem is that without any problems, I'm lazy and apathetic. Not about life in general but about my relationship with God. Somewhere in this newfound happiness, I let all these other things become more important than being with God. And I have to reinvest in our relationship now, because when times do get hard again, I won't have any savings to fall back on.

Even now, even blogging. It doesn't feel right. As much as I love to, I haven't wanted to recently. I think of all sorts of things to talk about and then I just don't. I'd rather do something else. That isn't praying or spending time with God. Weird. And then I try and pass myself off daily as a righteous person.

This morning we sang a song, and it hurt because I knew it wasn't true for me. So instead of singing, I prayed them. And if you're anything like me, then maybe this will help you too. It's called Center so you can look up the real lyrics if you'd like, but here's my prayer for this week:

Oh Christ, be the center of my life
be the place I fix my eyes
be the center of my life
Lift my eyes to Heaven
and help me wrap my life around Your life
help me lift my eyes to Heaven, to You.

This very well may not be the underlying problem. No matter what though, it has to help. Prioritizing Him will only lead me in the right direction. So yes, I want to continue to talk to Him throughout the day, but I need to set our own, just the two of us time apart again. No matter how happy or satisfied I am with my life, it won't feel right if I'm not putting anything back into our relationship. Our relationship rut, was just a rut I've put myself in. I let other things become more important, and I asked God, probably very nicely, to sit in the backseat and let me drive a while. I'm not even a good driver, so I don't know why I thought that'd be a good idea! But seriously, in letting other things become more important and then being happy with how things were going, I thought I could leave Him back there, knowing that wasn't His place in my life. I guess that's the key. Just because you're happy, doesn't mean you're life is great or where God wants it to be.

So I'll continue this prayer. I hope I get to be less apathetic and lazy about this, because it means a lot to me and I just can't will it to it's normal state of importance on my own. On another note, I probably won't be blogging until I get out of it. It's like having writer's block. I force each word I type. But I guess that's when you'll know we've worked through it!

Ok, I love you. I never stopped. I always will. And no matter how apathetic you may be, God still loves you and He's ready when you are :))

Have a great week! Let me know if you need something!

Cheap Thrills

Good morning/afternoon/night!

That's much easier to put. You see it's morning right now, but I won't finish this until at least the afternoon. I might not even post it until tonight though! It's a complicated process but if it was easy it wouldn't be mine. Over-complication is my specialty!

So far today has been great! A little prayer meeting this morning. A little in the book of John. And a little Ben Rector to top it off. Who, by the way, will be at George's on October 28th! Please let me know if you're going so we can go together!

I hope you had a great Labor day weekend! Mine couldn't have been more perfect. My least, yet most favorite person in the world was here! I jam packed our weekend with the fair, the farmer's market, cheap thrills, hiking, Camp Rock 2, sour gummy worms, Naked, church, and then the lake! I am so thankful for her and my friends and my new friends and for fellowship and for Green Valley Bible Camp for bringing us together. I couldn't have asked for more! But so much more was given to me.

While our weekend was great, and yours probably was too, not everyone's was. In case you haven't heard the devastating news, a local girl died on her way home from the John Mayer concert in Tulsa on Friday night. I heard about it at church and while I forgot about it at the time, I was reminded again later when some of my younger church camp friends were updating FB statuses in remembrance of her. I don't know her, but I saw that many of them were writing on her wall, so I did a little investigating to find out more. She was a senior at Har-Ber High School and she was only 17 years old. She's beautiful and she is going to be greatly missed by not only her family, but her peers. As I read through her FB page, I was encouraged by her life and what she had on there. And this is where I'm at today.

So yes, I suppose I am a creep, but I'm curious, and can't control that very well. I have so much that I want to say about the situation and I feel as though so much is being said to me through what happened, and I feel like there are opportunities left and right and I just hope that I take them all. For now, there's just one point I want to make and I'll get to the rest in a matter of time. And that is? To put it simply: I Am Legend.

I was reading through a few of the posts to Micayla's wall and there's no doubt in my mind what an amazing, funny, charming, and inspirational girl she was. Although I don't know her, I started to feel very upset for the loss. I do understand loss, and I understand losing someone to an unfair situation. The feeling of being robbed of a blessing. It's all too real for me, and I hate for her friends and family and for my friends that knew her to feel anything like that.

But of course, in the midst of my frustration, I found this on her quotes:
"Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart. That is the real meaning of peace."

I'm not sure how many people that have been posting on her wall have read this, but I hope that at some point, they all do. I don't think it could have been said any better and there it was. At the very top. Peace. The one thing people probably need to hear more about right now. Dealing with the loss of someone you love isn't about how quickly you can get over it. It's not about how fast you can forget and get back to work. Really, I don't think it's something you can ever just get over. It may always hurt just a little, but that's the importance of peace. You don't have to like the outcome of a situation, you might never know every detail of what happened or why, but fully trusting God is the bigger picture. Trusting God should give us peace. Overwhelming peace, I'm sure. Because when we fully commit ourselves to Him, we have nothing left. That's the way it's supposed to be I think. We're supposed to be left with nothing because we aren't anything and God is everything. Right?

*Intermission* So I started this yesterday...being Tuesday. But it's now today, being Wednesday. I promise not to sleep until I finish my thoughts this time though!

So I continued to read through her page and I bought into her humor and could see joy in her face in the pictures I skimmed. She didn't seem like just any girl. She still isn't just any girl. She is legend. The posts on this girls wall are witness to the kind of life this girl led. People that don't know her, know of her faith. Her wall is covered with comments about what a great influence she was, and how even now she's inspiring people. One comment was about how she had wanted her school to join together for something, and to be more like a family and the commenter said Micayla was finally getting her wish. What an amazing girl! What an amazing Christian.

I've read even more comments about how she's brought people to their faith. This is serious stuff. Remember on my birthday when I talked about wanting to be so strong when I die? There's not a doubt in my mind that this girl is the embodiment of that. There's not a doubt in my mind of where she ended up. There's not a doubt in my mind that God was using her, and is still using her. That's the most wonderful thing I could ever ask for and she was only 17! I'm not going to lie, when I was 17, I thought I had bigger fish to fry. Verbally, God would have been at the top of my list of priorities, but in reality, He couldn't have been closer to the bottom. When I was 17 I was more focused on the "cheap thrills" of life than anything everlasting or where my soul ended up. It wasn't until recently that my priority list reversed it's order!

Life is fragile. That's obvious. We still have to take it by the horns though. Micayla Patterson knew exactly who she was and had an identity in Christ. I think it's safe to say that she lived by that everyday. She didn't skip out. She has a legend.

You and I? Well I guess we're in the process of fixing our legends. Toss the cheap thrills for some eternal adventures. Get out of the dark by starting up our lights. Start shouting from mountain tops. Become more malleable. Learn to be more dependent. And give it all up.

"Do not love the world or anything in the world...For everything in the world....comes not from the Father but form the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever." 1 John 2:15-17

"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things...Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry...But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator." Colossians 3:2-10

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21

"Each tree is recognized by its own fruit." Luke 6:44

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth..." Isaiah 42:16

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in teh house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, theat they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16

"Let the desert and its towns raise their voices...let them shout from the mountaintops." Isaiah 42:11

"...'Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand'..." Jeremiah 18:6

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and lean from me, for I am gentle and bumble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28

Overloaded? Sorry about that. I hope you understand what I'm saying. I hope that I start doing a better job a living the way I should be so that when that day comes, I leave behind a legend not of myself, but of the life I led for Him.

Good night! I love you dearly. I hope you join me on Saturday morning at the Farmer's Market! I'm getting a head band :)) Have a fantastic Thursday. And Friday. And weekend. And did I mention I love you?

Jerk-Face

Oh hey! Happy Thursday! Night at least...

I hope you had a great day! I had walking this morning, that's always good. I saw an old friend, also good. I led my first chem e meeting, I hope I did well. Oh yeah, and I was a big fat jerk...maybe not as good as the rest of those.

That was a nice and subtle :))

First I'll start with some very important verses:

"Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:48

"Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ." 1Corinthians 11:1

"And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of His grace, expressed in His kindness to us in Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:6&7

So I guess I'll go back to a situation from what I think was last weekend. You see, I'm not even sure when it happened. Just that it happened and after it did, I blew it off. It wasn't a big deal to me, but it should have been.

The book I was telling you about the other day, Red Letters, is all about being like Jesus and leading lives of love. It was all about AIDS in Africa, but being like Jesus doesn't just pertain to extreme situations. I know you know that, and I consciously know that, but clearly I need a little more practice.

In 99% of cases, I love meeting new people. On this particular off day, I was less than enthused to have game night with girls I had never met before. It was a mixture of things, but I shouldn't use that as an excuse. While we were in the process of starting a new game, I rudely stated that this was wasn't the better way of playing for whatever reasons and one of the girls didn't hesitate to comment back. I left after that game in a worse mood, and then completely forgot about it.

Until today.

This morning I was in the HPER and a girl walks up and sits directly across from me. I recognized her, so I smiled but she looked away before she saw. And then I realized that she had been the girl that had disagreed about the games. The whole time she was in front me, she stayed on her phone and wouldn't look up. She left soon after that.

First of all, it was a game. Not a big deal. At all! There was no reason for me to be rude. I was there to hang out with my friends and their friends and there's not a doubt in my mind, that I left a terrible impression of myself. I wouldn't have wanted to see me today either. Second, I'm a huge hypocrite! I sat here and blogged on Tuesday about how awesome I had been doing...NOT. I talk about wanting to live and love people, but that's not a "whenever I feel like it" kinda thing. Living by example isn't something I can choose not to participate in sometimes. Even if it is for only an hour or two.

That girl has no idea that I was at Service Saturday that morning, let alone that I wake up and read my Bible and pray everyday. How would she? I might as well not wake up early if I'm not going to commit to being a different person, a more Jesus person, ALL the time. Not just when I feel like it.

In my book there's a part that talks about how we should put things that are on God's heart at the top of our priority lists. To love people more than we love ourselves because God loves us more than enough. That if we take care of His priorities, He takes care of ours. But there are a thousand more verses like the one from Ephesians of why I should do this. Not because I want God to take care of the things that I can't (although I do), but because it's the least I could do. Being Jesus to people, loving them unconditionally, no matter who they are, IS being like Christ. I want to move to Africa and love people there, but I can't even love people here. God has done so much for me lately and I blew it!

Jesus never got a break from being Jesus. There is not a time I can think of that He wasn't the most amazing, most kind or most loving man in history. That's who He was supposed to be. God does so much for us, and Jesus died, the least we could do is be a little more nice. I say we. I don't mean to drag you into the same low category I'm currently in, but let's me honest, we're not always nice. We slip up, we forget, and hopefully we regret it. I had the chance to make up for it today, but when she wouldn't look at me, I felt ashamed of my behavior. I can promise you, if I ever see her again, I'm going to apologize for that night, no matter how many months has passed by.

All I'm saying is that we could all be a little more conscious of how we act. We don't have to be perfect all the time, but I do think we should strive to be and apologize when we're not.

On a brighter note, this is the 2nd blog in a week! I'm sorry I didn't blog in a whole month and am now overloading you.

On another bright note, I ran into a friend today who I hadn't seen in a long time. He got to tell me about his time China (which was actually a long time ago now) and I tried to catch him up on new things in my life. When we left I was thankful for friendship and fellowship :))

While I'm on the topic of fellowship: I really enjoy going to the farmer's market. It's in my top 5 favorite things to do. I usually walk around a few times. Get what I'm there for. And then I sit in the shade and read. I've been thinking, and if you'd like to join me, that'd be lovely. I promise not to bite your head off. I like to be there pretty early and I usually sit on the wall in front of the Town Center. Pretty soon it'll be over, and it'll be too cold to sit outside so I want to take advantage of this now. Please come join me :)) And maybe Facebook me to make sure I'll be there!

I love you. I'm sorry if I've ever been mean to you. I'm a work in progress. Thanks for keeping up with me :))

Here's a quote my wonderful roommate left me with, and I thought it was absolutely relevant. It's now Friday, so have a great weekend!

"Preach the Gospel at all times; when necessary, use words." Saint Francis of Assisi

Man, I feel like Woman...

Good morning! I have so much to tell you! But first, you must admit, you've missed my attempt at relevant yet witty titles, huh?

So for starters, I'm so glad you're reading this! I haven't been the most consistent at keeping up with my blog recently, so I appreciate you reading when I do :)) Secondly, I'm sorry for not keeping up with my blog. I have a list of excuses, but honestly they don't matter. Thirdly, thank you for all your love, support and the prayers you may have been sending my way over the past few weeks. I know for a fact I couldn't have made it through the rest of summer without the help of God!

I think what I'll do is slowly tell you everything that's happened since we last spoke. I may never get to it! But I'll tell you what's on my heart every day and that should pretty well sum life up.

What's on the agenda for today? Well it's a modge podge of things really....

School has begun! We're a week and a day deep so far (for me at least) and it couldn't have sneaked up on me any faster! I still feel the anxious tinges every now and then from the prospect of a summer adventure...even though that summer adventure has come and gone. In the past few weeks I've had rush and more rush and moving and school starting and after all that I was tired. Again, it's no excuse, I had enough motivation to keep reading and praying daily, but after that, there was no motivation left to tell you about it. With little ambition to return to my writing, I prayed for a small ounce of a driving force to, at the very least, plan on blogging.

And then God happened.

We usually sit in alphabetical order for chapter on Monday nights, but last night being our first, the lines were messed up and people were everywhere so Compean came after Atchinson. After chapter she told me about their weekly prayer meeting at the house. I said I would definitely come today (Tuesday) and was super excited! And then she said it was at 6:30 in the morning. Excuse me? 6:30?! IN THE MORNING. You realize that means I have to get up before 6:30? Nevertheless, I said I would be there. I set another alarm before falling asleep and told myself that no matter what, I had to go. So when my alarm went off this morning and I realized it was still dark outside, I dragged myself up and tried to remember why I wanted this. And as I walked under street lamps that were still on, I reminded myself that this wasn't even about me. And all sudden there was a little bit of pink in the sky and the line "We cry Holy, Holy, Holy" came to my mind. I was still tired when I got there, but more so excited to see where this would go.

Girls continued to pile in after I did, and before I knew it, there was a full room. Of not only active members but older girls that had graduated too. As we bowed our heads to pray together I just listened for a while as these incredible girls spoke up around me. Pouring their hearts out to not only God, but to the others in the room. I felt so blessed to have such an amazing group of not girls, but young women around me. Women who have a passion and thirst and hunger for God. Who love and adore and thank and praise Him and want to live their lives for His glory. I almost cried.

I don't know how or why God puts certain people in our lives at certain times, but I know there are higher motives behind every tiny thing that happens in my life. This morning before we started, one of the young women in the group thought of this verse in relation to the situation and read it aloud:

"All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." Acts 2:44-47

I've talked a lot over the past few months about being in good soil. Iron sharpening iron. Having a tribe. And while I knew my sorority was soil, and that there were lots of different kinds of soils in this mix, I didn't really know where to be and would have rather removed myself all together. These women, who by the grace of God I can call my sisters, are good soil. They are encouraging and supportive and loving and mindful and I would be crazy not to want my flowers growing like theirs. Although they may not know, they've encouraged me today. Yes, to blog, and to share the amazing things God does for me, but reach out a little more.

The book I finished reading a few weeks ago is called "Red Letters." I bought it as a self help book with it's modern paper back cover and chic lettering, only to find this it wasn't about helping me at all...it was about helping others. Being the arms, legs, and hands of Jesus because the most important part of being a CHRISTian is Christ. It's living a life like He did; doing everything for God and everything in love.

So I've had these thoughts of reaching out on my mind a lot lately, and because of this book, I've completely changed my morning routine and tried to focus on what I would call the "extremes," which I can explain some other time. Anyways, yes, I have all this motivation to blog now, but I also want to focus on what I can do now. Who I can reach out to here. The people who are in my immediate contact list, rather than those I can't help right this second. Don't get me wrong, I still plan on praying for them, everyday, but all of a sudden it's important for me to reach out to people here and now. The girls in the new pledge class, the freshman in chemical engineering, and people I meet in my dorm.

So am I woman? Haha, well I don't think I'm quite there yet. It's a process I'd say. One that I have a pretty good hold of with the encouragment of those much stronger than me. That moment this morning was so incredible, and I will be there next Tuesday at 6:30 in the morning when the sun isn't up just yet.

In other news, today was the best Tuesday of the year so far. I'm not even sure if the Glee premiere in 3 weeks will top this.

Hmm....it's a little shorter than usual.

I don't have any fancy languages to speak.
I'm not about to leave.
I'm not overwhelmingly sad about anything at this exact time.
I am thankful for so much.
And I do, as I always have, love you :)) Good night!

Remembering the Alamo

Hello! It's been a while, again... and I'm sorry, again. I had to sort through a little more.

My struggles have shifted, yet again. Which I can explain, but first I have a thank you. Well lots of thank you's actually. This has been a really hard time for me and it's the most encouraging thing to know that I have the love and prayers of so many people. There are not enough words I could use to express how much the accumulation of thoughts has impacted my latest transition. Your encouraging words have...well been encouraging :)) One particular post hit me pretty hard though. I was asked if I believed the words that I said. When I thought about it, I didn't really think so.

I guess it goes back to trusting God no matter what. Obviously, it's a lot harder for me to trust pain and heartache, even though these things weren't from God. I didn't want to be a hypocrite and tell you all about the rest of my adventures and God when I wasn't really trusting Him. Does that make sense?

I also realized that life hurts when you want it to hurt. I mean, I don't want to hurt, but I wasn't letting God really take the pain away. I wasn't really believing what I said. But I guess life is easier said than done, right? Like a rope. If I hold onto it and it gets yanked away...I only get burned when I'm holding on too tight. As long as my palms are open, it's like the rope was never there.

So last weekend I went to Oklahoma City for this softball tournament. I've never been, so it was a great trip! Besides being with some of my favorite people for the whole weekend. It was my last trip of the summer as well. It hadn't been my plan for long, it was a last minute write in, but after a few days at home alone again, I was ready to get away again. Go figure.

And then it kinda hit me. I might not have been as sad or overwhelmed as I was right after I got back, but that didn't mean I was dealing with it either. I was still running. I've always run. It's always been easier and I thought I was dealing with life, but I wasn't. I was only pretending it was what it wasn't. Still with me?

Nevertheless, I had a great time with great friends. Where did God come in? Because you know as well as I do, He always steps in. This time? It was at the OKC National Memorial. It didn't hit me at first, but He kept spinning the wheels in my mind.

On April 19, 1995 the Murrah Federal Building was bombed at 9:02 in the morning. Half of the building was blown to pieces in the middle of downtown. It killed 168 people, 19 of which were children in the daycare. I was so upset walking through the memorial to know that someone so awful could exist. I read a comic strip in the memorial about how they "were defending freedom by bombing children and social security workers," and I was just furious that there could be someone so ignorant of what's going on or not really plan through something so destructive. It got better though, as I continued walking I read about how America came together and how firemen from all over America came to OKC that day to do what they could. How people were running to the streets with blankets that day and volunteers were trying to calm chaos. How so many people raised so much money for the memorial. How teacher's would explain what happened to children to lessen the fear. It was a group effort. The fear and pain didn't go away as soon as April 20, 1995 came around, of course not. It was a process.

Imagine if after the disaster they had left the building just as it was, half blown away with people still trapped inside. Imagine walking past that everyday. Imagine waking up and reliving that morning everyday. The streets flooded with bloody scenes and smoke. Do you think if it had happened that way, the people of OKC would have been coping? Could you just walk through the masses of people, smoke, or even the building everyday and pretend it wasn't going on or that it hadn't happened when there are people screaming all around you? Of course not. That's silly right?

That's where I was. In life at least. After my dad died, we moved to Farmington, AR where I could pretend that life in Texas with my dad had never happened. Crazy, right? But easier than dealing with the truth. Everyday I woke up being half of my mom and half of my dad and yet it was so easy for me to pretend that it didn't work that way. Like he never really existed. Like he had only ever been someone I had heard of, instead of someone I spent most of my life with.

I realized that with disasters, comes pain, but there also comes healing. Katrina, 9/11, OKC Bombing, Pearl Harbor, the Alamo. They were all disasters, but we're still a nation. So why is the Alamo the title? Because Texas lost the battle of the Alamo, but they won the war. I may go through a lot more pain, but I'll go through a lot more healing too. I may not win every battle, but I will win this war.

So how does our nation heal after a disaster strikes? We build a memorial. We educate others. We don't pretend it never happened. So how should I cope with not only 10 years of repressed feelings about my dad but everything that's been going on lately? I remember it everyday. I tell others about how God saved me yet again. And I stop pretending that life didn't happen.

From now on, I can think about the past, and cry about it if I have to. I'll thank God everyday for my life and live it for real. (Life is for living--Charlie St. Cloud :). I'll be grateful that I was blessed with my very own American Red Cross of support. And I'm getting back to this bigger purpose for a higher power.

This is what's enscribed on the entrance to the OKC memorial:

"We come here to remember those who were killed, those who survived and those changed forever. May all who leave here know the impact of violence. May this memorial offer comfort, strength, peace, hope, and serenity."

Perfect right? To remember the past, to know the impact of sin and satan, and to leave with comfort, strenght, peace, hope and serenity. All of which happen when I give it all back to God.

Today I went to the Farmer's Market, and then helped at a cook out for missionaries. I'm feeling so much better about everything. The more I experience, the less I realize I know. And the less I realize I know, the more I have to depend on God. I'm ok with that again.

My sarcasm is slowing coming back, along with my joy. Is my life any less bad than it was last week? No. But I think I'm handling life better than I have in a long time. And even thought it's not all better today, and it won't be tomorrow, next week or even next month, it will be eventually. Because at the end of the day, I still have God. Or I guess He still has me.

Thank you so much for keeping up with me. Thank you for your constant encouragment. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for you love.

I love you! Very much so.
Goodnight